Girls and Sadness: March 2010

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Meeting Xolotl

Today, as I was walking home from school (something I often do because I am a good student who never skips all but one of his classes) I met Xolotl, thunder god of the Aztecs. He was wearing a shirt with a rib cage on it, so I asked him if it was an x-ray shirt. He seemed confused by this but I assume that is just because they didn't have x-rays back when the Aztecs were around. I'm not a fool though, so I asked him a trick question to make sure that he really was Xolotl, God of Thunder.

"Okay Xolotl," I said coyly, "I'm ready to go to the underworld now, so I guess you will be guiding my soul." Like I said, I'm not a fool. I knew that if he replied yes, then he couldn't possibly be Xolotl because Xolotl does not guide souls to the underworld.

"What?" He replied, affirming my faith in the fact that he really was Xolotl, "I don't want your soul. What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm not talking about hell. I'm talking about the Aztecean Underworld. But I can see that you really are Xolotl, so I guess I've got bad luck now." Xolotl must have been on some kind of secret mission for his mother, Coatlicue, because he wouldn't admit that his name was Xolotl. He assured me that his name was Stanley and that I was acting crazy; this being a good way to ensure that his mission would go unhindered.

I winked at him and he was on his way. Luckily he was not large and masculine like a firefighter so I don't think I'll have to worry about finding a new girlfriend. Yay

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Reasons For Wanting A Giraffe

To any sane person, it must seem obvious that the giraffe is probably the most superior of all land-based beasts (mythical or otherwise). However, I would like to take the opportunity to point out the benefits of having a giraffe in one's life. I feel this exercise will enlighten the common plebs that litter our land, as well as reaffirming the beliefs of those who already subscribe to the Church of the Great Giraffe in the Sky.

1. Never have to prune trees ever again.

The Giraffe's diet consists of twigs. Since pruning is a tiresome and lengthy process, a pet giraffe would be the ideal solution to the complex problem of overgrowth.

2. Never need a ladder again.

Breaking and entering can be a difficult thing to do. With a giraffe, you would no longer require a ladder. Instead, your pet could just grab you by the scruff of your neck and drop you on any rooftop you choose. It's a flawless plan, I can assure you.

3. Good for people who like kitty-cats.

I like kitty-cats a lot. However, they have a tendency to get stuck in trees and then big, masculine firefighters have to be called over to rescue them. This makes you look like a loser and gives the firefighters a chance to hit on your girlfriend. A giraffe would complete the task much faster and you wouldn't have to go out after to cruise singles bars for a new girlfriend.

4. Cruising singles bars for a new girlfriend.

A giraffe would also be useful in this situation because it could find all of the lonely girls dancing alone in the crowd for you. However, as girls don't like you, this probably won't make a difference.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Rain

Science tells us something about reactions being equal and opposite. This rings false to me, as I have quite often seen people to have the exact same reaction to the danger of clowns. For example, once I saw a clown at the mall and I screamed. All of the people around me screamed too so I dropped the plague rat that I was holding and ran as fast as I could. Everyone else seemed to agree that the clown might be a psychotic ax murderer because they all ran away too. Also, I could run faster than the little children that I was pushing out of my way. This doesn't seem all that equal to me. Their legs and mine were not equal lengths so I don't see how their reaction could be as strong as mine.

Anyway, assuming science is always true (something that I always try to do regardless of how I feel about it), then I wonder about rain. Sometimes when it rains I wonder if perhaps there is an opposite rain somewhere in the middle of the ocean. I don't see how else to explain it. Water must rain up sometimes and the only place it could come from is the ocean. This makes me worry about the fish. If their homes are raining upwards, then do they go with it? But then they don't rain down on the land, so is there some sort of fishnet in the sky to catch them?

I worry about fish a lot.

Why can't my dog talk?

Dogs!
They've been mans best friend for how long now? Years!
Yet, all the while, they remain silent. What is it that keeps them from communicating to us in spoken language? Perhaps they are too awkward?*
From all that touching and picking up of the poop. I would probably be a little embarrassed me-self. I remember one time a girl tried to kiss me and I said no. Didn't talk to her for months! No girl has ever tried to pick up my poop, I imagine that would be worse.
Maybe its because dogs just have nothing interesting to say, like me. You probably got bored after the first sentence. "Oh great," you said, "another internet guy trying to tell me he's sad because no one will pick up his poop." But maybe dogs are like you! They would rather be quiet and dignified than loud mouthed and blogging.
Unfortunately, its most definitely not any of these things. Its more likely that they don't talk because they don't like you just like everyone else in the world doesn't like you.
Nobody likes you.

*If I had someone to tickle me like the dogs the above video, I would probably not talk to them.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

good morning

Hello. This is a blog called girls and sadness. I hope you like it.
Although the title implies that the blog will be abt emotions and things with vagina's, in fact, there's much more to it than that. (Although alot of it will be abt that)
Come along with me as we explore such exciting topics as:

-Why your dogs cant talk
-Why no one likes you
-Why girls don't like you
-Why you are sad
-Were-bears and their ilk
-What kind of food I ate today and why I thought there were spiders in it
-Websites

Thanks for reading, please find me a job.