It has now been almost three years since the world economy slumped into recession like a depressed middle-aged car salesman. However, many people still do not understand how this crisis came into being. Many believe the lies of the right-and-left-wing news outlets and let themselves be hoodwinked by unintelligible buzz words (subterranean prime lawn, special bubble inflation, ect...). However, these are all falsehoods perpetuated by all media in order to distract from the real cause.
Consider this; the words economic and ecological both begin with 'eco'. This is just a coincidence but it unwittingly displays the true nature of the stock market. Thus the true cause of the economic collapse was much more complicated than most people believe. The truth is that it began in early 2001 when advances in computer technology called for massive amounts of Pacific Dogwood extract to be used as coolant. The same year it was decided that humans could no longer be trusted to run the stock market, which now called for a finesse that only the animal kingdom could provide. Many different species were brought in to attempt to fill the gap left by the untrustworthy humans. Many bad decisions were made in those days, such as putting howler monkeys in charge of Canadian Airlines stock. However, it was eventually discovered that Sylvilagus nuttallii (Mountain Cottontail Rabbit) was the species best suited to run stocks worldwide.
For years everything seemed to be going well. Yet behind the facade of growth, a dark secret had emerged. It seems that someone had accidentally introduced the new "stock market" rabbits to Pacific Dogwood extract. They, in turn, had found it delicious and many became instantly addicted certain chemical compounds in the crushes flower. At first this new drug allowed the rabbits to work longer, more efficient hours. Major corporations began to encourage the rabbits to take it in increasingly large quantities.
Then, in 2008, the Pacific Dogwood flower became endangered. This led to massive shortages of the extract and caused many addicted rabbits to go crazy. These rabbits had become so intrinsically essential to the stock market that without them, the world's economy crashed into ruin.
Today we are still picking up the pieces of this ruinous tale. Major corporations worldwide are currently searching for a new animal to take the place of the Mountain Cottontail. Will they find a suitable replacement soon? We can only hope.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
An Email
I recently received this email from a concerned reader. Since the email pertains to a large problem, faced by the Girls and Sadness community as a whole, I have decided to include it on the blog. Please pay close attention as there is a 75% chance that your life is about to undergo a 2% increase in happiness.
To whomever it may concern aka the good sirrahs of GaS
Recently, while perusing the internet at my local internet cafeteria on a Friday night, I stumbled across your online journal entitled "Girls and Sadness". I felt that the subject matter had particular importance to me, as I am a sad person whom girls do not like. Please render unto me some tips for coping with my tragic fate.
A thousand resplendent thank-yous,
Stanley Shtunark
Post-script: I also represent the advertising agency that handles Sea World. Would you be interested in meeting with me to discuss a sponsorship deal?
While it is very clear to me that Stanley is a fictitious persona, probably concocted by an unholy alliance between were-dolphins and lower-demons, he does raise a good point. How can you deal with your life as an, in all likelihood, unattractive and sad person? Here are some strategies that you may employ to dramatically alter your consciousness.
1. Attempt a self-transfiguration
Shape-shifting is one of man's oldest shamanistic abilities. Knowledge of this subtle art has been lost in the ashes of history. Many believe that the last shaman shape-shifter, Albator Rompa, died in 1942 while fighting the Nazis. However, through great concentration, shape-shifting is still possible. I suggest standing perfectly still and in the nude in your backyard while thinking tree thoughts ("rustle", "droop", "sway" ect...).
2. Make new friends to combat your loneliness
Since girls cannot be trusted, you must make new friends in unlikely places. I suggest becoming best friends with a pet giraffe if you have one. Otherwise you should first try to become friends with inanimate objects. They will not talk back which makes them good listeners and incapable of sarcasm (two important features in new friends). Once you have become good friends with some of these (your kitchen table, the door to your room, a pleasant lampshade, ect...) then you may graduate to trying to make friends with vegetation. Under no circumstances should you try to make human friends.
3. Slay demons to kill time
Slaying demons is an excellent way to kill time, and alternatively, yourself. It is an (extremely) dangerous but (somewhat) rewarding pastime. The easiest way to begin is by joining a local mob and storming a demon worshiper's sanctuary. This usually results in an epic battle in which most people are killed. Do not forget to bring your pitchfork or torch. Though these items are actually completely useless against demons, they are traditional for demon slaying mobs to carry.
To whomever it may concern aka the good sirrahs of GaS
Recently, while perusing the internet at my local internet cafeteria on a Friday night, I stumbled across your online journal entitled "Girls and Sadness". I felt that the subject matter had particular importance to me, as I am a sad person whom girls do not like. Please render unto me some tips for coping with my tragic fate.
A thousand resplendent thank-yous,
Stanley Shtunark
Post-script: I also represent the advertising agency that handles Sea World. Would you be interested in meeting with me to discuss a sponsorship deal?
While it is very clear to me that Stanley is a fictitious persona, probably concocted by an unholy alliance between were-dolphins and lower-demons, he does raise a good point. How can you deal with your life as an, in all likelihood, unattractive and sad person? Here are some strategies that you may employ to dramatically alter your consciousness.
1. Attempt a self-transfiguration
Shape-shifting is one of man's oldest shamanistic abilities. Knowledge of this subtle art has been lost in the ashes of history. Many believe that the last shaman shape-shifter, Albator Rompa, died in 1942 while fighting the Nazis. However, through great concentration, shape-shifting is still possible. I suggest standing perfectly still and in the nude in your backyard while thinking tree thoughts ("rustle", "droop", "sway" ect...).
2. Make new friends to combat your loneliness
Since girls cannot be trusted, you must make new friends in unlikely places. I suggest becoming best friends with a pet giraffe if you have one. Otherwise you should first try to become friends with inanimate objects. They will not talk back which makes them good listeners and incapable of sarcasm (two important features in new friends). Once you have become good friends with some of these (your kitchen table, the door to your room, a pleasant lampshade, ect...) then you may graduate to trying to make friends with vegetation. Under no circumstances should you try to make human friends.
3. Slay demons to kill time
Slaying demons is an excellent way to kill time, and alternatively, yourself. It is an (extremely) dangerous but (somewhat) rewarding pastime. The easiest way to begin is by joining a local mob and storming a demon worshiper's sanctuary. This usually results in an epic battle in which most people are killed. Do not forget to bring your pitchfork or torch. Though these items are actually completely useless against demons, they are traditional for demon slaying mobs to carry.
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