An Email

I recently received this email from a concerned reader. Since the email pertains to a large problem, faced by the Girls and Sadness community as a whole, I have decided to include it on the blog. Please pay close attention as there is a 75% chance that your life is about to undergo a 2% increase in happiness.

To whomever it may concern aka the good sirrahs of GaS
Recently, while perusing the internet at my local internet cafeteria on a Friday night, I stumbled across your online journal entitled "Girls and Sadness". I felt that the subject matter had particular importance to me, as I am a sad person whom girls do not like. Please render unto me some tips for coping with my tragic fate.

A thousand resplendent thank-yous,
Stanley Shtunark

Post-script: I also represent the advertising agency that handles Sea World. Would you be interested in meeting with me to discuss a sponsorship deal?

While it is very clear to me that Stanley is a fictitious persona, probably concocted by an unholy alliance between were-dolphins and lower-demons, he does raise a good point. How can you deal with your life as an, in all likelihood, unattractive and sad person? Here are some strategies that you may employ to dramatically alter your consciousness.

1. Attempt a self-transfiguration
Shape-shifting is one of man's oldest shamanistic abilities. Knowledge of this subtle art has been lost in the ashes of history. Many believe that the last shaman shape-shifter, Albator Rompa, died in 1942 while fighting the Nazis. However, through great concentration, shape-shifting is still possible. I suggest standing perfectly still and in the nude in your backyard while thinking tree thoughts ("rustle", "droop", "sway" ect...).

2. Make new friends to combat your loneliness
Since girls cannot be trusted, you must make new friends in unlikely places. I suggest becoming best friends with a pet giraffe if you have one. Otherwise you should first try to become friends with inanimate objects. They will not talk back which makes them good listeners and incapable of sarcasm (two important features in new friends). Once you have become good friends with some of these (your kitchen table, the door to your room, a pleasant lampshade, ect...) then you may graduate to trying to make friends with vegetation. Under no circumstances should you try to make human friends.

3. Slay demons to kill time
Slaying demons is an excellent way to kill time, and alternatively, yourself. It is an (extremely) dangerous but (somewhat) rewarding pastime. The easiest way to begin is by joining a local mob and storming a demon worshiper's sanctuary. This usually results in an epic battle in which most people are killed. Do not forget to bring your pitchfork or torch. Though these items are actually completely useless against demons, they are traditional for demon slaying mobs to carry.