The Economic Crisis

It has now been almost three years since the world economy slumped into recession like a depressed middle-aged car salesman. However, many people still do not understand how this crisis came into being. Many believe the lies of the right-and-left-wing news outlets and let themselves be hoodwinked by unintelligible buzz words (subterranean prime lawn, special bubble inflation, ect...). However, these are all falsehoods perpetuated by all media in order to distract from the real cause.

Consider this; the words economic and ecological both begin with 'eco'. This is just a coincidence but it unwittingly displays the true nature of the stock market. Thus the true cause of the economic collapse was much more complicated than most people believe. The truth is that it began in early 2001 when advances in computer technology called for massive amounts of Pacific Dogwood extract to be used as coolant. The same year it was decided that humans could no longer be trusted to run the stock market, which now called for a finesse that only the animal kingdom could provide. Many different species were brought in to attempt to fill the gap left by the untrustworthy humans. Many bad decisions were made in those days, such as putting howler monkeys in charge of Canadian Airlines stock. However, it was eventually discovered that Sylvilagus nuttallii (Mountain Cottontail Rabbit) was the species best suited to run stocks worldwide.

For years everything seemed to be going well. Yet behind the facade of growth, a dark secret had emerged. It seems that someone had accidentally introduced the new "stock market" rabbits to Pacific Dogwood extract. They, in turn, had found it delicious and many became instantly addicted certain chemical compounds in the crushes flower. At first this new drug allowed the rabbits to work longer, more efficient hours. Major corporations began to encourage the rabbits to take it in increasingly large quantities.

Then, in 2008, the Pacific Dogwood flower became endangered. This led to massive shortages of the extract and caused many addicted rabbits to go crazy. These rabbits had become so intrinsically essential to the stock market that without them, the world's economy crashed into ruin.

Today we are still picking up the pieces of this ruinous tale. Major corporations worldwide are currently searching for a new animal to take the place of the Mountain Cottontail. Will they find a suitable replacement soon? We can only hope.