Hello Little Turtle.

The ancient sea turtle. An animal so shrouded in mystery and wonder, some might think him almost a myth. This is, of course, not true! Recently I managed to get a close friend of mine to smuggle an ancient sea turtle under her shirt on her Westjet flight home from the Caribbean. Once in my possession: the glorious beast regaled me with its wondrous tales of truth and myth about the sea turtle. Here are those tales:

Lifespan: Some say that turtles can live up to hundreds of years. This, of course, is false. No animal on earth could possibly live longer than a human being because human beings are the greatest living thing ever.
The truth of the matter is sea turtles only seem like they can live forever, because they can, in fact, travel through time. (Yes. Just like in the popular Super Nintendo game: "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles In Time")

Hypnosis: There are many stories and rumors surrounding the ancient sea turtles hypnotic powers. The turtles have been known, in stories, to use hypnosis to lure fishermen into the sea so it can eat them. These stories are all true. Be warned! You should never look a sea turtle in the eyes for more than a moment, unless you are ready to surrender your flesh to its ancient jaws!
You are probably wondering how I was not hypnotized by my own turtle. But, being the savvy turtle enthusiast that I am, I knew exactly what to expect. Upon receiving my sea turtle, from my friends shirt, I immediately sliced open its skull and surgically removed its hypnosis node from its brain.

Medicinal Properties: Over the years, there have been many poachers that have hunted the ancient sea turtle, for its rare and delicious organs. This is not only because they are delicious, but also because the sea turtle has long been rumored to have ancient medicinal properties that cannot be found anywhere else. Some claim that a turtle spleen can be put into a turkey club sandwich, and then rubbed on the face to cure blindness. Others claim that turtle eyes can be put into a pot of tea to cure irritable bowel syndrome. As well, There are even some that claim that ingesting the heart of an ancient turtle will instantly increase the length of a human males phallus by 3-4 feet. (This is where the old saying "Live like a man who's just eaten a turtle heart!" comes from)
My turtle managed to set me straight on these matters; however, by explaining to me that these claims are all backwards. He explained that by ingesting a turtle eyes, it is the turtle that will be cured of its irritable bowel syndrome; As well, the turtles phallus will grow by at least 3-4 feet.

I hope these few tips set you straight on your turtle knowledge! You are probably wondering what happened to my little turtle friend. After explaining to me the wondrous rituals and ways of turtle culture, I freed him of his turtle burden by removing his head with a band saw. Now his body rests on my mantle as a reminder of the magic that fills the seas! Just dont tell the world wildlife foundation about this, they don't know turtles like you and I do.