Why can't my dog talk?

Dogs!
They've been mans best friend for how long now? Years!
Yet, all the while, they remain silent. What is it that keeps them from communicating to us in spoken language? Perhaps they are too awkward?*
From all that touching and picking up of the poop. I would probably be a little embarrassed me-self. I remember one time a girl tried to kiss me and I said no. Didn't talk to her for months! No girl has ever tried to pick up my poop, I imagine that would be worse.
Maybe its because dogs just have nothing interesting to say, like me. You probably got bored after the first sentence. "Oh great," you said, "another internet guy trying to tell me he's sad because no one will pick up his poop." But maybe dogs are like you! They would rather be quiet and dignified than loud mouthed and blogging.
Unfortunately, its most definitely not any of these things. Its more likely that they don't talk because they don't like you just like everyone else in the world doesn't like you.
Nobody likes you.

*If I had someone to tickle me like the dogs the above video, I would probably not talk to them.