You should be afraid. We should all start getting concerned. I'm breaking my vow of blog silence today to tell everyone about the looming threat that hangs over our heads like a terrible black cat being suspended by piano wire. Were-Dolphins will take over the internet. It could happen today. It could happen tomorrow. But FOR GOD SAKES, we have to be prepared! Here is a helpful Were-Dolphin survival guide I have compiled.
Ways to tell if a Were-dolphin has taken over a website:
1. If your favorite website starts including a lot of information on tuna, or beach balls, things that dolphins like.
2. If a website starts having a lot of spelling errors, this should tip you off. Dolphins don't have fingers, so they cant type well.
3. If you find that your favorite website starts advertising Sea-World, or maybe visiting the beach more. FOR GOD SAKES, don't let them trick you! The dolphins are just trying to get you to visit these near water locations so they can MURDER YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
Things to do to prepare for the eventual Were-Dolphin uprising:
1. Buy a gun.
2. Buy a bigger gun.
3. Pollute the ocean as much as possible.
4. Shoot your gun into the ocean as often as possible.
Please FOR GOD SAKES, do all of these things. We don't have long befoifre tuna ddodk
Hueyd Guiuys Letds All Goo TO THE BEEEACH
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
A typical study session
Today is not the first day of study break but it is the first day that I have decided to study. My process is a convoluted and nuanced one that cannot be explained without special insight. Luckily, I am possibly the foremost expert on myself and can help explain how it work to you, the common pleb whom girls do not like.
Step 1. Find textbooks
Being as how I am not a demon or a were-animal, I keep my dwelling in a state of utter disarray. This creates nearly five times as many places to hide and gives me a strategic advantage in the case that said monsters attack while it is dark. Anyway, the one drawback to this method of survival is that small items are incredibly hard to find. This is especially true of textbooks that were bought in September and then dropped to the floor, still shrink-wrapped. The first step is to locate these, as studying is impossible to do without books. Lecture notes would also be useful but I use most of them to pad out my coat in the winter to prevent freezing to death, so to me, these are unreliable.
Step 2. Forage for food
Everyone knows that eating is required for survival. The next step is to find enough nourishment to break even with the energy about to be consumed using my very evolved brain. Hunting for food usually results in something along the lines of two toasted bagels, three apples, a five-pound ham, two litres of orange juice, a smoked fish and a half-litre bottle of sweet dandelion wine.
Step 3. Ritual dance
Obviously, at this point it is necessary to give thanks to the primal gods and goddesses of the kingdom. I usually employ the traditional kubi-kubi dance to gain their favour. This helps focus my spirit, gains the sacred power required to study and, as a side effect, makes me hungry enough to finish the foraged food.
Step 4. Begin studying
I usually do this by losing interest in the books altogether. Often, I take this opportunity to nap, be distracted by the internet or drink dandelion wine until I am blind.
Step 5. Study break
Everyone needs to take a break from working hard ever once and a while. I find that this is a good time to update my blog or do something even more trivial and pointless. The idea is to relax your brain and not to think anything intelligent.
Step 6. Study more
Repeat "Step 4."
Step 7. Sleep
Falling asleep is easy after working so hard. I am now sure to get a good mark on my final. Hopefully this guide has given you a good idea of how I study. It is a proven method that works in some cases.
Step 1. Find textbooks
Being as how I am not a demon or a were-animal, I keep my dwelling in a state of utter disarray. This creates nearly five times as many places to hide and gives me a strategic advantage in the case that said monsters attack while it is dark. Anyway, the one drawback to this method of survival is that small items are incredibly hard to find. This is especially true of textbooks that were bought in September and then dropped to the floor, still shrink-wrapped. The first step is to locate these, as studying is impossible to do without books. Lecture notes would also be useful but I use most of them to pad out my coat in the winter to prevent freezing to death, so to me, these are unreliable.
Step 2. Forage for food
Everyone knows that eating is required for survival. The next step is to find enough nourishment to break even with the energy about to be consumed using my very evolved brain. Hunting for food usually results in something along the lines of two toasted bagels, three apples, a five-pound ham, two litres of orange juice, a smoked fish and a half-litre bottle of sweet dandelion wine.
Step 3. Ritual dance
Obviously, at this point it is necessary to give thanks to the primal gods and goddesses of the kingdom. I usually employ the traditional kubi-kubi dance to gain their favour. This helps focus my spirit, gains the sacred power required to study and, as a side effect, makes me hungry enough to finish the foraged food.
Step 4. Begin studying
I usually do this by losing interest in the books altogether. Often, I take this opportunity to nap, be distracted by the internet or drink dandelion wine until I am blind.
Step 5. Study break
Everyone needs to take a break from working hard ever once and a while. I find that this is a good time to update my blog or do something even more trivial and pointless. The idea is to relax your brain and not to think anything intelligent.
Step 6. Study more
Repeat "Step 4."
Step 7. Sleep
Falling asleep is easy after working so hard. I am now sure to get a good mark on my final. Hopefully this guide has given you a good idea of how I study. It is a proven method that works in some cases.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Selections from the google chats of KY and ps
On springing ahead
Me: Hello?
KY: hi
h8 time chang
e
fukk
Me: I know
Time is a slut
KY: so not tired
lets just get rid of time
live in 4th dimension
everything all the
time?
On blogging and friendship
Me: You should post something on the blog if you have time
KY: i knowww
im such a slu
t
Me: its okay
I'll still be your friend
On going to bed
KY: i gtg
Me: kk
KY: past my bed time
Me: kk
KY: moms gonna be pissed
LEGIT
night
(k)
KY is now offline.
Me: Hello?
KY: hi
h8 time chang
e
fukk
Me: I know
Time is a slut
KY: so not tired
lets just get rid of time
live in 4th dimension
everything all the
time?
On blogging and friendship
Me: You should post something on the blog if you have time
KY: i knowww
im such a slu
t
Me: its okay
I'll still be your friend
On going to bed
KY: i gtg
Me: kk
KY: past my bed time
Me: kk
KY: moms gonna be pissed
LEGIT
night
(k)
KY is now offline.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Ways to tell if your friends are demons
Demons are all around us, hiding in petunia vases and under throw rugs. You must always be on guard just in case one of them tries to steal your soul, in order to damn you to the lowest circle of hell, or your hair (it is a well known fact that all demons love to eat hair). However, truly clever demons know that hiding in petunia vases will only get them so far. These demons will attempt to become your friend in order to gain your trust. Here are some tips for how to tell if your friends are demons.
1. People who don't like giraffes
Demons do not like giraffes. This is a proven fact though no one actually knows why. Personally, I choose to believe that they are jealous of creatures with long necks as demons themselves have very short, stubby necks.
2. Were-Animal extremists
Were-Animals are extremely dangerous but there are many who believe them to be useful to society. These people are clearly trying to introduce a blight unto humanity and therefore must be demons.
3. People who blink a lot
Demons are made up of 5% water, 50% sulfur, 33% gasoline, 1% gold and 12% pure rage. This controversially adds up to 101%, but demons are also well known for being poor at math. Anyway, as they have little water in their bodies, demons are forced to blink far more often than humans.
4. People with red eyes in photos
Technology has developed to the point where a demon can be revealed by a colour photograph. If a person has red eyes in a photo, they are a demon. The red eye is caused by the reflection of light off of their anti-soul.
5. People who like to go out in the sun
Any sensible and intelligent person knows that traveling during daylight, when the sun is out in full force, is foolish. Demons, however, are not harmed by the sun's deadly rays. This is why you should never trust anyone that is tanned. They are probably a demon.
6. People named Stanley
Everyone I've ever met whose name was Stanley has turned out to be a demon.
7. Firefighters
Only a demon would be drawn to fire in the way that firefighters are. Also, they steal your girlfriend so they must be evil.
8. Girls who say they like you
Girls don't like you. Any girl that says she does must be a demon. Don't trust them.
Good luck out there.
1. People who don't like giraffes
Demons do not like giraffes. This is a proven fact though no one actually knows why. Personally, I choose to believe that they are jealous of creatures with long necks as demons themselves have very short, stubby necks.
2. Were-Animal extremists
Were-Animals are extremely dangerous but there are many who believe them to be useful to society. These people are clearly trying to introduce a blight unto humanity and therefore must be demons.
3. People who blink a lot
Demons are made up of 5% water, 50% sulfur, 33% gasoline, 1% gold and 12% pure rage. This controversially adds up to 101%, but demons are also well known for being poor at math. Anyway, as they have little water in their bodies, demons are forced to blink far more often than humans.
4. People with red eyes in photos
Technology has developed to the point where a demon can be revealed by a colour photograph. If a person has red eyes in a photo, they are a demon. The red eye is caused by the reflection of light off of their anti-soul.
5. People who like to go out in the sun
Any sensible and intelligent person knows that traveling during daylight, when the sun is out in full force, is foolish. Demons, however, are not harmed by the sun's deadly rays. This is why you should never trust anyone that is tanned. They are probably a demon.
6. People named Stanley
Everyone I've ever met whose name was Stanley has turned out to be a demon.
7. Firefighters
Only a demon would be drawn to fire in the way that firefighters are. Also, they steal your girlfriend so they must be evil.
8. Girls who say they like you
Girls don't like you. Any girl that says she does must be a demon. Don't trust them.
Good luck out there.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Werebears and their ilk
Enclosed is a list of were-animal descriptions ranging from least dangerous to most dangerous. Against my better judgement, the were-giraffe is omitted. Though extremely dangerous in one-on-one combat, they are so rare that the International Were-Animal Association does not classify them as a threat to the survival of humanity.
10. Were-whale
The most common variety of were-whale is the Physeter macrocephalus, known commonly as the sperm were-whale. Were-whales are typically quite slow and dull, and not very dangerous to anyone with a healthy fear of the ocean. Every once and a while a swimming child is swallowed whole and digested. Even less often is a swimmer actually bitten and transformed into a were-whale at the next full moon. Most of these bitten swimmers transform for the first time in their beds and consequently die as were-whales, like their non-were counterparts, cannot survive out of water.
9. Werewolves
Currently there are about 157 werewolf enclaves worldwide, making them the most prominent species of were-animal. However, due to a recent explosion of vegetarianism in young werewolves, possibly owing to the similar movement in the vampire community, werewolves are fast becoming extinct. As recently as December 2009, the werewolf elders of the world called an emergency conference to discuss the problem. This conference was held in Abbotsford, British Columbia and subsequently 90% of its population was decimated in a week-long feeding frenzy.
8. Were-possum
Not to be confused with the American were-opossum, the were-possum population is confined to Australia, New Guinea and Sulawesi. They were briefly introduced to New Zealand in 1994, but were almost immediately eradicated due to the efforts of the legendary hunter Zeus Oliman. Oliman was hired to stop the spread of this dangerous breed by New Zealand's King Sullivan XXI, who was assassinated nine months later by pro-were-animal extremists. Since then, democracy has been declared and the land is were-possum free.
7. Were-snake
In almost all cases, the were-snake is an augmented cobra and its bite is deadly and toxic. This makes it a deadly foe, but at the same time poses the question of how its population can spread and how it came into being in the first place. Many experts consider the were-snake to be the invention of a rogue geneticist, but as no were-snake has ever been captured alive, this is impossible to verify.
6. Were-rat
Only 90 years have passed since the were-rat was the most common and dangerous predator on earth. It is a little known fact that the 100 years war was fought between two rival factions of were-rats, not, as many believe, two french royal houses. In recent years, many were-rats have reformed for past sins. In the posh areas of many cities in North America, Europe and Asia, it is common to see were-rat rehabilitation clinics.
5. Were-dolphin
Admittedly, were-dolphins are some of the most clever and evil creatures on the planet. However, they share many of the same problems as were-whales and most die on land without ever getting to terrorize innocent, masculine, girlfriend-stealing surfers.
4. Werebear
The werebear is a dangerous creature with little history worth mentioning. Anyone that tells you otherwise is probably a werebear historian and therefore cannot be trusted. Do not approach under and circumstances. This goes for werebears as well as specialized historians.
3. Were-slug
The were-slug is the most commonly underestimated form of were-animal. They resemble a normal slug in every way except for their augmented movement abilities and the razor sharp spines hidden under their optical tentacles. Landspeed for a were-slug has been clocked as up to 50mph, which is about the same as a grown Siberian Tiger.
2. Were-fly
The were-fly is common only to Winnipeg, Manitoba but summertime deaths due to were-flies have sometimes numbered in the thousands. Like the werebear, the were-fly has an uneventful history, but it is worth noting that a population explosion of were-flies would lead to human extinction in less than two years.
1. Were-man
In this writer's opinion, the were-man is the most dangerous form of were-animal. They hide in plain sight better than any were-animal and can devour whole animals in less time than it takes you to eat a Christmas feast. Interestingly, actor David Naughton is the only man to have ever admitted to being a were-man. The IWA keeps close tabs on all suspects but the lists grow longer with every full moon. It is now estimated that Were-man population might be in the hundreds of thousands worldwide but this data is unverifiable.
10. Were-whale
The most common variety of were-whale is the Physeter macrocephalus, known commonly as the sperm were-whale. Were-whales are typically quite slow and dull, and not very dangerous to anyone with a healthy fear of the ocean. Every once and a while a swimming child is swallowed whole and digested. Even less often is a swimmer actually bitten and transformed into a were-whale at the next full moon. Most of these bitten swimmers transform for the first time in their beds and consequently die as were-whales, like their non-were counterparts, cannot survive out of water.
9. Werewolves
Currently there are about 157 werewolf enclaves worldwide, making them the most prominent species of were-animal. However, due to a recent explosion of vegetarianism in young werewolves, possibly owing to the similar movement in the vampire community, werewolves are fast becoming extinct. As recently as December 2009, the werewolf elders of the world called an emergency conference to discuss the problem. This conference was held in Abbotsford, British Columbia and subsequently 90% of its population was decimated in a week-long feeding frenzy.
8. Were-possum
Not to be confused with the American were-opossum, the were-possum population is confined to Australia, New Guinea and Sulawesi. They were briefly introduced to New Zealand in 1994, but were almost immediately eradicated due to the efforts of the legendary hunter Zeus Oliman. Oliman was hired to stop the spread of this dangerous breed by New Zealand's King Sullivan XXI, who was assassinated nine months later by pro-were-animal extremists. Since then, democracy has been declared and the land is were-possum free.
7. Were-snake
In almost all cases, the were-snake is an augmented cobra and its bite is deadly and toxic. This makes it a deadly foe, but at the same time poses the question of how its population can spread and how it came into being in the first place. Many experts consider the were-snake to be the invention of a rogue geneticist, but as no were-snake has ever been captured alive, this is impossible to verify.
6. Were-rat
Only 90 years have passed since the were-rat was the most common and dangerous predator on earth. It is a little known fact that the 100 years war was fought between two rival factions of were-rats, not, as many believe, two french royal houses. In recent years, many were-rats have reformed for past sins. In the posh areas of many cities in North America, Europe and Asia, it is common to see were-rat rehabilitation clinics.
5. Were-dolphin
Admittedly, were-dolphins are some of the most clever and evil creatures on the planet. However, they share many of the same problems as were-whales and most die on land without ever getting to terrorize innocent, masculine, girlfriend-stealing surfers.
4. Werebear
The werebear is a dangerous creature with little history worth mentioning. Anyone that tells you otherwise is probably a werebear historian and therefore cannot be trusted. Do not approach under and circumstances. This goes for werebears as well as specialized historians.
3. Were-slug
The were-slug is the most commonly underestimated form of were-animal. They resemble a normal slug in every way except for their augmented movement abilities and the razor sharp spines hidden under their optical tentacles. Landspeed for a were-slug has been clocked as up to 50mph, which is about the same as a grown Siberian Tiger.
2. Were-fly
The were-fly is common only to Winnipeg, Manitoba but summertime deaths due to were-flies have sometimes numbered in the thousands. Like the werebear, the were-fly has an uneventful history, but it is worth noting that a population explosion of were-flies would lead to human extinction in less than two years.
1. Were-man
In this writer's opinion, the were-man is the most dangerous form of were-animal. They hide in plain sight better than any were-animal and can devour whole animals in less time than it takes you to eat a Christmas feast. Interestingly, actor David Naughton is the only man to have ever admitted to being a were-man. The IWA keeps close tabs on all suspects but the lists grow longer with every full moon. It is now estimated that Were-man population might be in the hundreds of thousands worldwide but this data is unverifiable.
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