Werebears and their ilk

Enclosed is a list of were-animal descriptions ranging from least dangerous to most dangerous. Against my better judgement, the were-giraffe is omitted. Though extremely dangerous in one-on-one combat, they are so rare that the International Were-Animal Association does not classify them as a threat to the survival of humanity.

10. Were-whale
The most common variety of were-whale is the Physeter macrocephalus, known commonly as the sperm were-whale. Were-whales are typically quite slow and dull, and not very dangerous to anyone with a healthy fear of the ocean. Every once and a while a swimming child is swallowed whole and digested. Even less often is a swimmer actually bitten and transformed into a were-whale at the next full moon. Most of these bitten swimmers transform for the first time in their beds and consequently die as were-whales, like their non-were counterparts, cannot survive out of water.

9. Werewolves
Currently there are about 157 werewolf enclaves worldwide, making them the most prominent species of were-animal. However, due to a recent explosion of vegetarianism in young werewolves, possibly owing to the similar movement in the vampire community, werewolves are fast becoming extinct. As recently as December 2009, the werewolf elders of the world called an emergency conference to discuss the problem. This conference was held in Abbotsford, British Columbia and subsequently 90% of its population was decimated in a week-long feeding frenzy.

8. Were-possum
Not to be confused with the American were-opossum, the were-possum population is confined to Australia, New Guinea and Sulawesi. They were briefly introduced to New Zealand in 1994, but were almost immediately eradicated due to the efforts of the legendary hunter Zeus Oliman. Oliman was hired to stop the spread of this dangerous breed by New Zealand's King Sullivan XXI, who was assassinated nine months later by pro-were-animal extremists. Since then, democracy has been declared and the land is were-possum free.

7. Were-snake
In almost all cases, the were-snake is an augmented cobra and its bite is deadly and toxic. This makes it a deadly foe, but at the same time poses the question of how its population can spread and how it came into being in the first place. Many experts consider the were-snake to be the invention of a rogue geneticist, but as no were-snake has ever been captured alive, this is impossible to verify.

6. Were-rat
Only 90 years have passed since the were-rat was the most common and dangerous predator on earth. It is a little known fact that the 100 years war was fought between two rival factions of were-rats, not, as many believe, two french royal houses. In recent years, many were-rats have reformed for past sins. In the posh areas of many cities in North America, Europe and Asia, it is common to see were-rat rehabilitation clinics.

5. Were-dolphin
Admittedly, were-dolphins are some of the most clever and evil creatures on the planet. However, they share many of the same problems as were-whales and most die on land without ever getting to terrorize innocent, masculine, girlfriend-stealing surfers.

4. Werebear
The werebear is a dangerous creature with little history worth mentioning. Anyone that tells you otherwise is probably a werebear historian and therefore cannot be trusted. Do not approach under and circumstances. This goes for werebears as well as specialized historians.

3. Were-slug
The were-slug is the most commonly underestimated form of were-animal. They resemble a normal slug in every way except for their augmented movement abilities and the razor sharp spines hidden under their optical tentacles. Landspeed for a were-slug has been clocked as up to 50mph, which is about the same as a grown Siberian Tiger.

2. Were-fly
The were-fly is common only to Winnipeg, Manitoba but summertime deaths due to were-flies have sometimes numbered in the thousands. Like the werebear, the were-fly has an uneventful history, but it is worth noting that a population explosion of were-flies would lead to human extinction in less than two years.

1. Were-man
In this writer's opinion, the were-man is the most dangerous form of were-animal. They hide in plain sight better than any were-animal and can devour whole animals in less time than it takes you to eat a Christmas feast. Interestingly, actor David Naughton is the only man to have ever admitted to being a were-man. The IWA keeps close tabs on all suspects but the lists grow longer with every full moon. It is now estimated that Were-man population might be in the hundreds of thousands worldwide but this data is unverifiable.