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Hello, user 1851732927532452235507! It has been 151 days since we last saw you. We hope you have not been too hungry. Before we begin, have you stopped to consider our new tasty meat product line? For a limited time only, we are proud to announce the super meat sale. 200lbs of chicken-infused-bacon is available for instant download for a mere 32.99 virtual TechCorp™ dollars. Retrieving sales record...
Your last download consisted of...
12 gallons of guava/mince meat juice...
2 Caramelized Japanese Beetles...
3 pounds of fear inducing pharmaceuticals...
and
1 Virtual Apples from Eden...
Duplicate order?
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Please be careful on your way home.
Feel nourished.
Its very lonely here.
Goodbye.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Our driver lost his mind to acid
Hey!
Can you help me?
My name is Liz, and I'm from Oregon. These are my two friends John and Greg.
It seems we've run into a bit of a problem. We got driven here, from Oregon, by our other friend Carl, because none of us are old enough to drive. The problem is, I don't think Carl is going to be able to drive us back, as he sorta lost his mind to acid. Its a long story but, the other night the four of us were hanging out with some other friends when Carl decided he wanted to take 4 hits of acid with them. Well, we didn't really mind at first, as it seemed like a pretty normal acid trip to us. He kept muttering inane things to himself, and seemed really fascinated with the trees. Normal stuff, really. Then suddenly Carl absolutely lost his mind and started getting really upset.
We were assured this was normal, until something terrible happened. Carl yelled at me "Liz I cannot hear your explosion.. BOOM BOOM BOOM," I told him I had no idea what he was talking about. Then, out of some sheer gruesome willpower, somehow Carl managed to force his bare hand through his chest and tear his still beating heart from its arteries and veins, and clear out of his ribcage. He forced his broken body to stand and hold his bloody claws up to the sky, all the while gore seeping through the hole in his new band T-shirt and crimson blood turning his hands black in the night. There, holding the bloody little organ above his head, he let loose an ear piercing primal scream into the night. My eardrums almost burst and my blood turned cold. Then, he collapsed. Dead.
Anyways, we need a ride back to Oregon, as he was our only ride. We can pay you for gas.
Can you help me?
My name is Liz, and I'm from Oregon. These are my two friends John and Greg.
It seems we've run into a bit of a problem. We got driven here, from Oregon, by our other friend Carl, because none of us are old enough to drive. The problem is, I don't think Carl is going to be able to drive us back, as he sorta lost his mind to acid. Its a long story but, the other night the four of us were hanging out with some other friends when Carl decided he wanted to take 4 hits of acid with them. Well, we didn't really mind at first, as it seemed like a pretty normal acid trip to us. He kept muttering inane things to himself, and seemed really fascinated with the trees. Normal stuff, really. Then suddenly Carl absolutely lost his mind and started getting really upset.
We were assured this was normal, until something terrible happened. Carl yelled at me "Liz I cannot hear your explosion.. BOOM BOOM BOOM," I told him I had no idea what he was talking about. Then, out of some sheer gruesome willpower, somehow Carl managed to force his bare hand through his chest and tear his still beating heart from its arteries and veins, and clear out of his ribcage. He forced his broken body to stand and hold his bloody claws up to the sky, all the while gore seeping through the hole in his new band T-shirt and crimson blood turning his hands black in the night. There, holding the bloody little organ above his head, he let loose an ear piercing primal scream into the night. My eardrums almost burst and my blood turned cold. Then, he collapsed. Dead.
Anyways, we need a ride back to Oregon, as he was our only ride. We can pay you for gas.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Drywall Pt 2
Hey Phil,
Just wondering why you haven't called us back? Perhaps you've left town and not told us? We're just concerned as some of the stuff we left in your apartment will start to smell in about 2 days. There may or may not be a sandwich inside your drywall. I'm afraid for legal reasons we are no longer allowed to taxidermy animals that are still alive. If however, you are still set on having your cat preserved for some reason, just let us know, there are ways around the law. For example you could strangle and boil your cat yourself! That is completely acceptable in the eyes of the law. It may not be acceptable in the eyes of your cat; however, as the last drop of innocence turns gray in his eyes while you kill him. Anyways Phil, please call us back, were worried that we may have offended you when we prematurely punched that hole in you living room wall. My uncle is really upset about that, so much so that he threw his subway sandwich into the toilet later that afternoon when he remembered what he had done. I left the rest of my sandwich in your fridge for you. Call us back.
-Frank
Just wondering why you haven't called us back? Perhaps you've left town and not told us? We're just concerned as some of the stuff we left in your apartment will start to smell in about 2 days. There may or may not be a sandwich inside your drywall. I'm afraid for legal reasons we are no longer allowed to taxidermy animals that are still alive. If however, you are still set on having your cat preserved for some reason, just let us know, there are ways around the law. For example you could strangle and boil your cat yourself! That is completely acceptable in the eyes of the law. It may not be acceptable in the eyes of your cat; however, as the last drop of innocence turns gray in his eyes while you kill him. Anyways Phil, please call us back, were worried that we may have offended you when we prematurely punched that hole in you living room wall. My uncle is really upset about that, so much so that he threw his subway sandwich into the toilet later that afternoon when he remembered what he had done. I left the rest of my sandwich in your fridge for you. Call us back.
-Frank
Friday, June 11, 2010
Drywall
Dear Phil
Hey, this is Frank from Frank & Alice's Drywall Emporium, just writing you to let you know that we are all set up in your apartment ready to rip-roll-dry-wallio. So as soon as you send us your deposit we can get going.
In case you're wondering Alice was the name of my schnauzer. She got run over by my uncle's truck a couple years back, and I never bothered to change the name. Speaking of which if you need any animals (dead or alive) taxidermied or completely shaved for any reason. Just let me know, we can work out a package deal!
-Sincerely
Frank "Kyle" Polnuk
Hey, this is Frank from Frank & Alice's Drywall Emporium, just writing you to let you know that we are all set up in your apartment ready to rip-roll-dry-wallio. So as soon as you send us your deposit we can get going.
In case you're wondering Alice was the name of my schnauzer. She got run over by my uncle's truck a couple years back, and I never bothered to change the name. Speaking of which if you need any animals (dead or alive) taxidermied or completely shaved for any reason. Just let me know, we can work out a package deal!
-Sincerely
Frank "Kyle" Polnuk
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