The ancient sea turtle. An animal so shrouded in mystery and wonder, some might think him almost a myth. This is, of course, not true! Recently I managed to get a close friend of mine to smuggle an ancient sea turtle under her shirt on her Westjet flight home from the Caribbean. Once in my possession: the glorious beast regaled me with its wondrous tales of truth and myth about the sea turtle. Here are those tales:
Lifespan: Some say that turtles can live up to hundreds of years. This, of course, is false. No animal on earth could possibly live longer than a human being because human beings are the greatest living thing ever.
The truth of the matter is sea turtles only seem like they can live forever, because they can, in fact, travel through time. (Yes. Just like in the popular Super Nintendo game: "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles In Time")
Hypnosis: There are many stories and rumors surrounding the ancient sea turtles hypnotic powers. The turtles have been known, in stories, to use hypnosis to lure fishermen into the sea so it can eat them. These stories are all true. Be warned! You should never look a sea turtle in the eyes for more than a moment, unless you are ready to surrender your flesh to its ancient jaws!
You are probably wondering how I was not hypnotized by my own turtle. But, being the savvy turtle enthusiast that I am, I knew exactly what to expect. Upon receiving my sea turtle, from my friends shirt, I immediately sliced open its skull and surgically removed its hypnosis node from its brain.
Medicinal Properties: Over the years, there have been many poachers that have hunted the ancient sea turtle, for its rare and delicious organs. This is not only because they are delicious, but also because the sea turtle has long been rumored to have ancient medicinal properties that cannot be found anywhere else. Some claim that a turtle spleen can be put into a turkey club sandwich, and then rubbed on the face to cure blindness. Others claim that turtle eyes can be put into a pot of tea to cure irritable bowel syndrome. As well, There are even some that claim that ingesting the heart of an ancient turtle will instantly increase the length of a human males phallus by 3-4 feet. (This is where the old saying "Live like a man who's just eaten a turtle heart!" comes from)
My turtle managed to set me straight on these matters; however, by explaining to me that these claims are all backwards. He explained that by ingesting a turtle eyes, it is the turtle that will be cured of its irritable bowel syndrome; As well, the turtles phallus will grow by at least 3-4 feet.
I hope these few tips set you straight on your turtle knowledge! You are probably wondering what happened to my little turtle friend. After explaining to me the wondrous rituals and ways of turtle culture, I freed him of his turtle burden by removing his head with a band saw. Now his body rests on my mantle as a reminder of the magic that fills the seas! Just dont tell the world wildlife foundation about this, they don't know turtles like you and I do.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
TechCorp™ Tasty Food and Beverage Warehouse
Greetings, User!
Welcome to the online TechCorp™ Tasty Food and Beverage Warehouse. If you already have an account with TechCorp™, please enter your 22 digit personal identification code now. Please remember that to us, you are more than just a number. Please wait while database loads...
Hello, user 1851732927532452235507! It has been 151 days since we last saw you. We hope you have not been too hungry. Before we begin, have you stopped to consider our new tasty meat product line? For a limited time only, we are proud to announce the super meat sale. 200lbs of chicken-infused-bacon is available for instant download for a mere 32.99 virtual TechCorp™ dollars. Retrieving sales record...
Your last download consisted of...
12 gallons of guava/mince meat juice...
2 Caramelized Japanese Beetles...
3 pounds of fear inducing pharmaceuticals...
and
1 Virtual Apples from Eden...
Duplicate order?
TechCorp™ would like to remind you that using virtual acid or overexposure to the internet can cause severe trauma to your digital emotional health and in rare cases can lead to CPU mind loss and RAM destruction.
TechCorp™ would like to thank you for your business, your time, your generosity, your money and, of course, your brain-matter.
Please be careful on your way home.
Feel nourished.
Its very lonely here.
Goodbye.
Welcome to the online TechCorp™ Tasty Food and Beverage Warehouse. If you already have an account with TechCorp™, please enter your 22 digit personal identification code now. Please remember that to us, you are more than just a number. Please wait while database loads...
Hello, user 1851732927532452235507! It has been 151 days since we last saw you. We hope you have not been too hungry. Before we begin, have you stopped to consider our new tasty meat product line? For a limited time only, we are proud to announce the super meat sale. 200lbs of chicken-infused-bacon is available for instant download for a mere 32.99 virtual TechCorp™ dollars. Retrieving sales record...
Your last download consisted of...
12 gallons of guava/mince meat juice...
2 Caramelized Japanese Beetles...
3 pounds of fear inducing pharmaceuticals...
and
1 Virtual Apples from Eden...
Duplicate order?
TechCorp™ would like to remind you that using virtual acid or overexposure to the internet can cause severe trauma to your digital emotional health and in rare cases can lead to CPU mind loss and RAM destruction.
TechCorp™ would like to thank you for your business, your time, your generosity, your money and, of course, your brain-matter.
Please be careful on your way home.
Feel nourished.
Its very lonely here.
Goodbye.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Our driver lost his mind to acid
Hey!
Can you help me?
My name is Liz, and I'm from Oregon. These are my two friends John and Greg.
It seems we've run into a bit of a problem. We got driven here, from Oregon, by our other friend Carl, because none of us are old enough to drive. The problem is, I don't think Carl is going to be able to drive us back, as he sorta lost his mind to acid. Its a long story but, the other night the four of us were hanging out with some other friends when Carl decided he wanted to take 4 hits of acid with them. Well, we didn't really mind at first, as it seemed like a pretty normal acid trip to us. He kept muttering inane things to himself, and seemed really fascinated with the trees. Normal stuff, really. Then suddenly Carl absolutely lost his mind and started getting really upset.
We were assured this was normal, until something terrible happened. Carl yelled at me "Liz I cannot hear your explosion.. BOOM BOOM BOOM," I told him I had no idea what he was talking about. Then, out of some sheer gruesome willpower, somehow Carl managed to force his bare hand through his chest and tear his still beating heart from its arteries and veins, and clear out of his ribcage. He forced his broken body to stand and hold his bloody claws up to the sky, all the while gore seeping through the hole in his new band T-shirt and crimson blood turning his hands black in the night. There, holding the bloody little organ above his head, he let loose an ear piercing primal scream into the night. My eardrums almost burst and my blood turned cold. Then, he collapsed. Dead.
Anyways, we need a ride back to Oregon, as he was our only ride. We can pay you for gas.
Can you help me?
My name is Liz, and I'm from Oregon. These are my two friends John and Greg.
It seems we've run into a bit of a problem. We got driven here, from Oregon, by our other friend Carl, because none of us are old enough to drive. The problem is, I don't think Carl is going to be able to drive us back, as he sorta lost his mind to acid. Its a long story but, the other night the four of us were hanging out with some other friends when Carl decided he wanted to take 4 hits of acid with them. Well, we didn't really mind at first, as it seemed like a pretty normal acid trip to us. He kept muttering inane things to himself, and seemed really fascinated with the trees. Normal stuff, really. Then suddenly Carl absolutely lost his mind and started getting really upset.
We were assured this was normal, until something terrible happened. Carl yelled at me "Liz I cannot hear your explosion.. BOOM BOOM BOOM," I told him I had no idea what he was talking about. Then, out of some sheer gruesome willpower, somehow Carl managed to force his bare hand through his chest and tear his still beating heart from its arteries and veins, and clear out of his ribcage. He forced his broken body to stand and hold his bloody claws up to the sky, all the while gore seeping through the hole in his new band T-shirt and crimson blood turning his hands black in the night. There, holding the bloody little organ above his head, he let loose an ear piercing primal scream into the night. My eardrums almost burst and my blood turned cold. Then, he collapsed. Dead.
Anyways, we need a ride back to Oregon, as he was our only ride. We can pay you for gas.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Drywall Pt 2
Hey Phil,
Just wondering why you haven't called us back? Perhaps you've left town and not told us? We're just concerned as some of the stuff we left in your apartment will start to smell in about 2 days. There may or may not be a sandwich inside your drywall. I'm afraid for legal reasons we are no longer allowed to taxidermy animals that are still alive. If however, you are still set on having your cat preserved for some reason, just let us know, there are ways around the law. For example you could strangle and boil your cat yourself! That is completely acceptable in the eyes of the law. It may not be acceptable in the eyes of your cat; however, as the last drop of innocence turns gray in his eyes while you kill him. Anyways Phil, please call us back, were worried that we may have offended you when we prematurely punched that hole in you living room wall. My uncle is really upset about that, so much so that he threw his subway sandwich into the toilet later that afternoon when he remembered what he had done. I left the rest of my sandwich in your fridge for you. Call us back.
-Frank
Just wondering why you haven't called us back? Perhaps you've left town and not told us? We're just concerned as some of the stuff we left in your apartment will start to smell in about 2 days. There may or may not be a sandwich inside your drywall. I'm afraid for legal reasons we are no longer allowed to taxidermy animals that are still alive. If however, you are still set on having your cat preserved for some reason, just let us know, there are ways around the law. For example you could strangle and boil your cat yourself! That is completely acceptable in the eyes of the law. It may not be acceptable in the eyes of your cat; however, as the last drop of innocence turns gray in his eyes while you kill him. Anyways Phil, please call us back, were worried that we may have offended you when we prematurely punched that hole in you living room wall. My uncle is really upset about that, so much so that he threw his subway sandwich into the toilet later that afternoon when he remembered what he had done. I left the rest of my sandwich in your fridge for you. Call us back.
-Frank
Friday, June 11, 2010
Drywall
Dear Phil
Hey, this is Frank from Frank & Alice's Drywall Emporium, just writing you to let you know that we are all set up in your apartment ready to rip-roll-dry-wallio. So as soon as you send us your deposit we can get going.
In case you're wondering Alice was the name of my schnauzer. She got run over by my uncle's truck a couple years back, and I never bothered to change the name. Speaking of which if you need any animals (dead or alive) taxidermied or completely shaved for any reason. Just let me know, we can work out a package deal!
-Sincerely
Frank "Kyle" Polnuk
Hey, this is Frank from Frank & Alice's Drywall Emporium, just writing you to let you know that we are all set up in your apartment ready to rip-roll-dry-wallio. So as soon as you send us your deposit we can get going.
In case you're wondering Alice was the name of my schnauzer. She got run over by my uncle's truck a couple years back, and I never bothered to change the name. Speaking of which if you need any animals (dead or alive) taxidermied or completely shaved for any reason. Just let me know, we can work out a package deal!
-Sincerely
Frank "Kyle" Polnuk
Thursday, May 13, 2010
The Economic Crisis
It has now been almost three years since the world economy slumped into recession like a depressed middle-aged car salesman. However, many people still do not understand how this crisis came into being. Many believe the lies of the right-and-left-wing news outlets and let themselves be hoodwinked by unintelligible buzz words (subterranean prime lawn, special bubble inflation, ect...). However, these are all falsehoods perpetuated by all media in order to distract from the real cause.
Consider this; the words economic and ecological both begin with 'eco'. This is just a coincidence but it unwittingly displays the true nature of the stock market. Thus the true cause of the economic collapse was much more complicated than most people believe. The truth is that it began in early 2001 when advances in computer technology called for massive amounts of Pacific Dogwood extract to be used as coolant. The same year it was decided that humans could no longer be trusted to run the stock market, which now called for a finesse that only the animal kingdom could provide. Many different species were brought in to attempt to fill the gap left by the untrustworthy humans. Many bad decisions were made in those days, such as putting howler monkeys in charge of Canadian Airlines stock. However, it was eventually discovered that Sylvilagus nuttallii (Mountain Cottontail Rabbit) was the species best suited to run stocks worldwide.
For years everything seemed to be going well. Yet behind the facade of growth, a dark secret had emerged. It seems that someone had accidentally introduced the new "stock market" rabbits to Pacific Dogwood extract. They, in turn, had found it delicious and many became instantly addicted certain chemical compounds in the crushes flower. At first this new drug allowed the rabbits to work longer, more efficient hours. Major corporations began to encourage the rabbits to take it in increasingly large quantities.
Then, in 2008, the Pacific Dogwood flower became endangered. This led to massive shortages of the extract and caused many addicted rabbits to go crazy. These rabbits had become so intrinsically essential to the stock market that without them, the world's economy crashed into ruin.
Today we are still picking up the pieces of this ruinous tale. Major corporations worldwide are currently searching for a new animal to take the place of the Mountain Cottontail. Will they find a suitable replacement soon? We can only hope.
Consider this; the words economic and ecological both begin with 'eco'. This is just a coincidence but it unwittingly displays the true nature of the stock market. Thus the true cause of the economic collapse was much more complicated than most people believe. The truth is that it began in early 2001 when advances in computer technology called for massive amounts of Pacific Dogwood extract to be used as coolant. The same year it was decided that humans could no longer be trusted to run the stock market, which now called for a finesse that only the animal kingdom could provide. Many different species were brought in to attempt to fill the gap left by the untrustworthy humans. Many bad decisions were made in those days, such as putting howler monkeys in charge of Canadian Airlines stock. However, it was eventually discovered that Sylvilagus nuttallii (Mountain Cottontail Rabbit) was the species best suited to run stocks worldwide.
For years everything seemed to be going well. Yet behind the facade of growth, a dark secret had emerged. It seems that someone had accidentally introduced the new "stock market" rabbits to Pacific Dogwood extract. They, in turn, had found it delicious and many became instantly addicted certain chemical compounds in the crushes flower. At first this new drug allowed the rabbits to work longer, more efficient hours. Major corporations began to encourage the rabbits to take it in increasingly large quantities.
Then, in 2008, the Pacific Dogwood flower became endangered. This led to massive shortages of the extract and caused many addicted rabbits to go crazy. These rabbits had become so intrinsically essential to the stock market that without them, the world's economy crashed into ruin.
Today we are still picking up the pieces of this ruinous tale. Major corporations worldwide are currently searching for a new animal to take the place of the Mountain Cottontail. Will they find a suitable replacement soon? We can only hope.
Monday, May 10, 2010
An Email
I recently received this email from a concerned reader. Since the email pertains to a large problem, faced by the Girls and Sadness community as a whole, I have decided to include it on the blog. Please pay close attention as there is a 75% chance that your life is about to undergo a 2% increase in happiness.
To whomever it may concern aka the good sirrahs of GaS
Recently, while perusing the internet at my local internet cafeteria on a Friday night, I stumbled across your online journal entitled "Girls and Sadness". I felt that the subject matter had particular importance to me, as I am a sad person whom girls do not like. Please render unto me some tips for coping with my tragic fate.
A thousand resplendent thank-yous,
Stanley Shtunark
Post-script: I also represent the advertising agency that handles Sea World. Would you be interested in meeting with me to discuss a sponsorship deal?
While it is very clear to me that Stanley is a fictitious persona, probably concocted by an unholy alliance between were-dolphins and lower-demons, he does raise a good point. How can you deal with your life as an, in all likelihood, unattractive and sad person? Here are some strategies that you may employ to dramatically alter your consciousness.
1. Attempt a self-transfiguration
Shape-shifting is one of man's oldest shamanistic abilities. Knowledge of this subtle art has been lost in the ashes of history. Many believe that the last shaman shape-shifter, Albator Rompa, died in 1942 while fighting the Nazis. However, through great concentration, shape-shifting is still possible. I suggest standing perfectly still and in the nude in your backyard while thinking tree thoughts ("rustle", "droop", "sway" ect...).
2. Make new friends to combat your loneliness
Since girls cannot be trusted, you must make new friends in unlikely places. I suggest becoming best friends with a pet giraffe if you have one. Otherwise you should first try to become friends with inanimate objects. They will not talk back which makes them good listeners and incapable of sarcasm (two important features in new friends). Once you have become good friends with some of these (your kitchen table, the door to your room, a pleasant lampshade, ect...) then you may graduate to trying to make friends with vegetation. Under no circumstances should you try to make human friends.
3. Slay demons to kill time
Slaying demons is an excellent way to kill time, and alternatively, yourself. It is an (extremely) dangerous but (somewhat) rewarding pastime. The easiest way to begin is by joining a local mob and storming a demon worshiper's sanctuary. This usually results in an epic battle in which most people are killed. Do not forget to bring your pitchfork or torch. Though these items are actually completely useless against demons, they are traditional for demon slaying mobs to carry.
To whomever it may concern aka the good sirrahs of GaS
Recently, while perusing the internet at my local internet cafeteria on a Friday night, I stumbled across your online journal entitled "Girls and Sadness". I felt that the subject matter had particular importance to me, as I am a sad person whom girls do not like. Please render unto me some tips for coping with my tragic fate.
A thousand resplendent thank-yous,
Stanley Shtunark
Post-script: I also represent the advertising agency that handles Sea World. Would you be interested in meeting with me to discuss a sponsorship deal?
While it is very clear to me that Stanley is a fictitious persona, probably concocted by an unholy alliance between were-dolphins and lower-demons, he does raise a good point. How can you deal with your life as an, in all likelihood, unattractive and sad person? Here are some strategies that you may employ to dramatically alter your consciousness.
1. Attempt a self-transfiguration
Shape-shifting is one of man's oldest shamanistic abilities. Knowledge of this subtle art has been lost in the ashes of history. Many believe that the last shaman shape-shifter, Albator Rompa, died in 1942 while fighting the Nazis. However, through great concentration, shape-shifting is still possible. I suggest standing perfectly still and in the nude in your backyard while thinking tree thoughts ("rustle", "droop", "sway" ect...).
2. Make new friends to combat your loneliness
Since girls cannot be trusted, you must make new friends in unlikely places. I suggest becoming best friends with a pet giraffe if you have one. Otherwise you should first try to become friends with inanimate objects. They will not talk back which makes them good listeners and incapable of sarcasm (two important features in new friends). Once you have become good friends with some of these (your kitchen table, the door to your room, a pleasant lampshade, ect...) then you may graduate to trying to make friends with vegetation. Under no circumstances should you try to make human friends.
3. Slay demons to kill time
Slaying demons is an excellent way to kill time, and alternatively, yourself. It is an (extremely) dangerous but (somewhat) rewarding pastime. The easiest way to begin is by joining a local mob and storming a demon worshiper's sanctuary. This usually results in an epic battle in which most people are killed. Do not forget to bring your pitchfork or torch. Though these items are actually completely useless against demons, they are traditional for demon slaying mobs to carry.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)