The ancient sea turtle. An animal so shrouded in mystery and wonder, some might think him almost a myth. This is, of course, not true! Recently I managed to get a close friend of mine to smuggle an ancient sea turtle under her shirt on her Westjet flight home from the Caribbean. Once in my possession: the glorious beast regaled me with its wondrous tales of truth and myth about the sea turtle. Here are those tales:
Lifespan: Some say that turtles can live up to hundreds of years. This, of course, is false. No animal on earth could possibly live longer than a human being because human beings are the greatest living thing ever.
The truth of the matter is sea turtles only seem like they can live forever, because they can, in fact, travel through time. (Yes. Just like in the popular Super Nintendo game: "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles In Time")
Hypnosis: There are many stories and rumors surrounding the ancient sea turtles hypnotic powers. The turtles have been known, in stories, to use hypnosis to lure fishermen into the sea so it can eat them. These stories are all true. Be warned! You should never look a sea turtle in the eyes for more than a moment, unless you are ready to surrender your flesh to its ancient jaws!
You are probably wondering how I was not hypnotized by my own turtle. But, being the savvy turtle enthusiast that I am, I knew exactly what to expect. Upon receiving my sea turtle, from my friends shirt, I immediately sliced open its skull and surgically removed its hypnosis node from its brain.
Medicinal Properties: Over the years, there have been many poachers that have hunted the ancient sea turtle, for its rare and delicious organs. This is not only because they are delicious, but also because the sea turtle has long been rumored to have ancient medicinal properties that cannot be found anywhere else. Some claim that a turtle spleen can be put into a turkey club sandwich, and then rubbed on the face to cure blindness. Others claim that turtle eyes can be put into a pot of tea to cure irritable bowel syndrome. As well, There are even some that claim that ingesting the heart of an ancient turtle will instantly increase the length of a human males phallus by 3-4 feet. (This is where the old saying "Live like a man who's just eaten a turtle heart!" comes from)
My turtle managed to set me straight on these matters; however, by explaining to me that these claims are all backwards. He explained that by ingesting a turtle eyes, it is the turtle that will be cured of its irritable bowel syndrome; As well, the turtles phallus will grow by at least 3-4 feet.
I hope these few tips set you straight on your turtle knowledge! You are probably wondering what happened to my little turtle friend. After explaining to me the wondrous rituals and ways of turtle culture, I freed him of his turtle burden by removing his head with a band saw. Now his body rests on my mantle as a reminder of the magic that fills the seas! Just dont tell the world wildlife foundation about this, they don't know turtles like you and I do.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
TechCorp™ Tasty Food and Beverage Warehouse
Greetings, User!
Welcome to the online TechCorp™ Tasty Food and Beverage Warehouse. If you already have an account with TechCorp™, please enter your 22 digit personal identification code now. Please remember that to us, you are more than just a number. Please wait while database loads...
Hello, user 1851732927532452235507! It has been 151 days since we last saw you. We hope you have not been too hungry. Before we begin, have you stopped to consider our new tasty meat product line? For a limited time only, we are proud to announce the super meat sale. 200lbs of chicken-infused-bacon is available for instant download for a mere 32.99 virtual TechCorp™ dollars. Retrieving sales record...
Your last download consisted of...
12 gallons of guava/mince meat juice...
2 Caramelized Japanese Beetles...
3 pounds of fear inducing pharmaceuticals...
and
1 Virtual Apples from Eden...
Duplicate order?
TechCorp™ would like to remind you that using virtual acid or overexposure to the internet can cause severe trauma to your digital emotional health and in rare cases can lead to CPU mind loss and RAM destruction.
TechCorp™ would like to thank you for your business, your time, your generosity, your money and, of course, your brain-matter.
Please be careful on your way home.
Feel nourished.
Its very lonely here.
Goodbye.
Welcome to the online TechCorp™ Tasty Food and Beverage Warehouse. If you already have an account with TechCorp™, please enter your 22 digit personal identification code now. Please remember that to us, you are more than just a number. Please wait while database loads...
Hello, user 1851732927532452235507! It has been 151 days since we last saw you. We hope you have not been too hungry. Before we begin, have you stopped to consider our new tasty meat product line? For a limited time only, we are proud to announce the super meat sale. 200lbs of chicken-infused-bacon is available for instant download for a mere 32.99 virtual TechCorp™ dollars. Retrieving sales record...
Your last download consisted of...
12 gallons of guava/mince meat juice...
2 Caramelized Japanese Beetles...
3 pounds of fear inducing pharmaceuticals...
and
1 Virtual Apples from Eden...
Duplicate order?
TechCorp™ would like to remind you that using virtual acid or overexposure to the internet can cause severe trauma to your digital emotional health and in rare cases can lead to CPU mind loss and RAM destruction.
TechCorp™ would like to thank you for your business, your time, your generosity, your money and, of course, your brain-matter.
Please be careful on your way home.
Feel nourished.
Its very lonely here.
Goodbye.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Our driver lost his mind to acid
Hey!
Can you help me?
My name is Liz, and I'm from Oregon. These are my two friends John and Greg.
It seems we've run into a bit of a problem. We got driven here, from Oregon, by our other friend Carl, because none of us are old enough to drive. The problem is, I don't think Carl is going to be able to drive us back, as he sorta lost his mind to acid. Its a long story but, the other night the four of us were hanging out with some other friends when Carl decided he wanted to take 4 hits of acid with them. Well, we didn't really mind at first, as it seemed like a pretty normal acid trip to us. He kept muttering inane things to himself, and seemed really fascinated with the trees. Normal stuff, really. Then suddenly Carl absolutely lost his mind and started getting really upset.
We were assured this was normal, until something terrible happened. Carl yelled at me "Liz I cannot hear your explosion.. BOOM BOOM BOOM," I told him I had no idea what he was talking about. Then, out of some sheer gruesome willpower, somehow Carl managed to force his bare hand through his chest and tear his still beating heart from its arteries and veins, and clear out of his ribcage. He forced his broken body to stand and hold his bloody claws up to the sky, all the while gore seeping through the hole in his new band T-shirt and crimson blood turning his hands black in the night. There, holding the bloody little organ above his head, he let loose an ear piercing primal scream into the night. My eardrums almost burst and my blood turned cold. Then, he collapsed. Dead.
Anyways, we need a ride back to Oregon, as he was our only ride. We can pay you for gas.
Can you help me?
My name is Liz, and I'm from Oregon. These are my two friends John and Greg.
It seems we've run into a bit of a problem. We got driven here, from Oregon, by our other friend Carl, because none of us are old enough to drive. The problem is, I don't think Carl is going to be able to drive us back, as he sorta lost his mind to acid. Its a long story but, the other night the four of us were hanging out with some other friends when Carl decided he wanted to take 4 hits of acid with them. Well, we didn't really mind at first, as it seemed like a pretty normal acid trip to us. He kept muttering inane things to himself, and seemed really fascinated with the trees. Normal stuff, really. Then suddenly Carl absolutely lost his mind and started getting really upset.
We were assured this was normal, until something terrible happened. Carl yelled at me "Liz I cannot hear your explosion.. BOOM BOOM BOOM," I told him I had no idea what he was talking about. Then, out of some sheer gruesome willpower, somehow Carl managed to force his bare hand through his chest and tear his still beating heart from its arteries and veins, and clear out of his ribcage. He forced his broken body to stand and hold his bloody claws up to the sky, all the while gore seeping through the hole in his new band T-shirt and crimson blood turning his hands black in the night. There, holding the bloody little organ above his head, he let loose an ear piercing primal scream into the night. My eardrums almost burst and my blood turned cold. Then, he collapsed. Dead.
Anyways, we need a ride back to Oregon, as he was our only ride. We can pay you for gas.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Drywall Pt 2
Hey Phil,
Just wondering why you haven't called us back? Perhaps you've left town and not told us? We're just concerned as some of the stuff we left in your apartment will start to smell in about 2 days. There may or may not be a sandwich inside your drywall. I'm afraid for legal reasons we are no longer allowed to taxidermy animals that are still alive. If however, you are still set on having your cat preserved for some reason, just let us know, there are ways around the law. For example you could strangle and boil your cat yourself! That is completely acceptable in the eyes of the law. It may not be acceptable in the eyes of your cat; however, as the last drop of innocence turns gray in his eyes while you kill him. Anyways Phil, please call us back, were worried that we may have offended you when we prematurely punched that hole in you living room wall. My uncle is really upset about that, so much so that he threw his subway sandwich into the toilet later that afternoon when he remembered what he had done. I left the rest of my sandwich in your fridge for you. Call us back.
-Frank
Just wondering why you haven't called us back? Perhaps you've left town and not told us? We're just concerned as some of the stuff we left in your apartment will start to smell in about 2 days. There may or may not be a sandwich inside your drywall. I'm afraid for legal reasons we are no longer allowed to taxidermy animals that are still alive. If however, you are still set on having your cat preserved for some reason, just let us know, there are ways around the law. For example you could strangle and boil your cat yourself! That is completely acceptable in the eyes of the law. It may not be acceptable in the eyes of your cat; however, as the last drop of innocence turns gray in his eyes while you kill him. Anyways Phil, please call us back, were worried that we may have offended you when we prematurely punched that hole in you living room wall. My uncle is really upset about that, so much so that he threw his subway sandwich into the toilet later that afternoon when he remembered what he had done. I left the rest of my sandwich in your fridge for you. Call us back.
-Frank
Friday, June 11, 2010
Drywall
Dear Phil
Hey, this is Frank from Frank & Alice's Drywall Emporium, just writing you to let you know that we are all set up in your apartment ready to rip-roll-dry-wallio. So as soon as you send us your deposit we can get going.
In case you're wondering Alice was the name of my schnauzer. She got run over by my uncle's truck a couple years back, and I never bothered to change the name. Speaking of which if you need any animals (dead or alive) taxidermied or completely shaved for any reason. Just let me know, we can work out a package deal!
-Sincerely
Frank "Kyle" Polnuk
Hey, this is Frank from Frank & Alice's Drywall Emporium, just writing you to let you know that we are all set up in your apartment ready to rip-roll-dry-wallio. So as soon as you send us your deposit we can get going.
In case you're wondering Alice was the name of my schnauzer. She got run over by my uncle's truck a couple years back, and I never bothered to change the name. Speaking of which if you need any animals (dead or alive) taxidermied or completely shaved for any reason. Just let me know, we can work out a package deal!
-Sincerely
Frank "Kyle" Polnuk
Thursday, May 13, 2010
The Economic Crisis
It has now been almost three years since the world economy slumped into recession like a depressed middle-aged car salesman. However, many people still do not understand how this crisis came into being. Many believe the lies of the right-and-left-wing news outlets and let themselves be hoodwinked by unintelligible buzz words (subterranean prime lawn, special bubble inflation, ect...). However, these are all falsehoods perpetuated by all media in order to distract from the real cause.
Consider this; the words economic and ecological both begin with 'eco'. This is just a coincidence but it unwittingly displays the true nature of the stock market. Thus the true cause of the economic collapse was much more complicated than most people believe. The truth is that it began in early 2001 when advances in computer technology called for massive amounts of Pacific Dogwood extract to be used as coolant. The same year it was decided that humans could no longer be trusted to run the stock market, which now called for a finesse that only the animal kingdom could provide. Many different species were brought in to attempt to fill the gap left by the untrustworthy humans. Many bad decisions were made in those days, such as putting howler monkeys in charge of Canadian Airlines stock. However, it was eventually discovered that Sylvilagus nuttallii (Mountain Cottontail Rabbit) was the species best suited to run stocks worldwide.
For years everything seemed to be going well. Yet behind the facade of growth, a dark secret had emerged. It seems that someone had accidentally introduced the new "stock market" rabbits to Pacific Dogwood extract. They, in turn, had found it delicious and many became instantly addicted certain chemical compounds in the crushes flower. At first this new drug allowed the rabbits to work longer, more efficient hours. Major corporations began to encourage the rabbits to take it in increasingly large quantities.
Then, in 2008, the Pacific Dogwood flower became endangered. This led to massive shortages of the extract and caused many addicted rabbits to go crazy. These rabbits had become so intrinsically essential to the stock market that without them, the world's economy crashed into ruin.
Today we are still picking up the pieces of this ruinous tale. Major corporations worldwide are currently searching for a new animal to take the place of the Mountain Cottontail. Will they find a suitable replacement soon? We can only hope.
Consider this; the words economic and ecological both begin with 'eco'. This is just a coincidence but it unwittingly displays the true nature of the stock market. Thus the true cause of the economic collapse was much more complicated than most people believe. The truth is that it began in early 2001 when advances in computer technology called for massive amounts of Pacific Dogwood extract to be used as coolant. The same year it was decided that humans could no longer be trusted to run the stock market, which now called for a finesse that only the animal kingdom could provide. Many different species were brought in to attempt to fill the gap left by the untrustworthy humans. Many bad decisions were made in those days, such as putting howler monkeys in charge of Canadian Airlines stock. However, it was eventually discovered that Sylvilagus nuttallii (Mountain Cottontail Rabbit) was the species best suited to run stocks worldwide.
For years everything seemed to be going well. Yet behind the facade of growth, a dark secret had emerged. It seems that someone had accidentally introduced the new "stock market" rabbits to Pacific Dogwood extract. They, in turn, had found it delicious and many became instantly addicted certain chemical compounds in the crushes flower. At first this new drug allowed the rabbits to work longer, more efficient hours. Major corporations began to encourage the rabbits to take it in increasingly large quantities.
Then, in 2008, the Pacific Dogwood flower became endangered. This led to massive shortages of the extract and caused many addicted rabbits to go crazy. These rabbits had become so intrinsically essential to the stock market that without them, the world's economy crashed into ruin.
Today we are still picking up the pieces of this ruinous tale. Major corporations worldwide are currently searching for a new animal to take the place of the Mountain Cottontail. Will they find a suitable replacement soon? We can only hope.
Monday, May 10, 2010
An Email
I recently received this email from a concerned reader. Since the email pertains to a large problem, faced by the Girls and Sadness community as a whole, I have decided to include it on the blog. Please pay close attention as there is a 75% chance that your life is about to undergo a 2% increase in happiness.
To whomever it may concern aka the good sirrahs of GaS
Recently, while perusing the internet at my local internet cafeteria on a Friday night, I stumbled across your online journal entitled "Girls and Sadness". I felt that the subject matter had particular importance to me, as I am a sad person whom girls do not like. Please render unto me some tips for coping with my tragic fate.
A thousand resplendent thank-yous,
Stanley Shtunark
Post-script: I also represent the advertising agency that handles Sea World. Would you be interested in meeting with me to discuss a sponsorship deal?
While it is very clear to me that Stanley is a fictitious persona, probably concocted by an unholy alliance between were-dolphins and lower-demons, he does raise a good point. How can you deal with your life as an, in all likelihood, unattractive and sad person? Here are some strategies that you may employ to dramatically alter your consciousness.
1. Attempt a self-transfiguration
Shape-shifting is one of man's oldest shamanistic abilities. Knowledge of this subtle art has been lost in the ashes of history. Many believe that the last shaman shape-shifter, Albator Rompa, died in 1942 while fighting the Nazis. However, through great concentration, shape-shifting is still possible. I suggest standing perfectly still and in the nude in your backyard while thinking tree thoughts ("rustle", "droop", "sway" ect...).
2. Make new friends to combat your loneliness
Since girls cannot be trusted, you must make new friends in unlikely places. I suggest becoming best friends with a pet giraffe if you have one. Otherwise you should first try to become friends with inanimate objects. They will not talk back which makes them good listeners and incapable of sarcasm (two important features in new friends). Once you have become good friends with some of these (your kitchen table, the door to your room, a pleasant lampshade, ect...) then you may graduate to trying to make friends with vegetation. Under no circumstances should you try to make human friends.
3. Slay demons to kill time
Slaying demons is an excellent way to kill time, and alternatively, yourself. It is an (extremely) dangerous but (somewhat) rewarding pastime. The easiest way to begin is by joining a local mob and storming a demon worshiper's sanctuary. This usually results in an epic battle in which most people are killed. Do not forget to bring your pitchfork or torch. Though these items are actually completely useless against demons, they are traditional for demon slaying mobs to carry.
To whomever it may concern aka the good sirrahs of GaS
Recently, while perusing the internet at my local internet cafeteria on a Friday night, I stumbled across your online journal entitled "Girls and Sadness". I felt that the subject matter had particular importance to me, as I am a sad person whom girls do not like. Please render unto me some tips for coping with my tragic fate.
A thousand resplendent thank-yous,
Stanley Shtunark
Post-script: I also represent the advertising agency that handles Sea World. Would you be interested in meeting with me to discuss a sponsorship deal?
While it is very clear to me that Stanley is a fictitious persona, probably concocted by an unholy alliance between were-dolphins and lower-demons, he does raise a good point. How can you deal with your life as an, in all likelihood, unattractive and sad person? Here are some strategies that you may employ to dramatically alter your consciousness.
1. Attempt a self-transfiguration
Shape-shifting is one of man's oldest shamanistic abilities. Knowledge of this subtle art has been lost in the ashes of history. Many believe that the last shaman shape-shifter, Albator Rompa, died in 1942 while fighting the Nazis. However, through great concentration, shape-shifting is still possible. I suggest standing perfectly still and in the nude in your backyard while thinking tree thoughts ("rustle", "droop", "sway" ect...).
2. Make new friends to combat your loneliness
Since girls cannot be trusted, you must make new friends in unlikely places. I suggest becoming best friends with a pet giraffe if you have one. Otherwise you should first try to become friends with inanimate objects. They will not talk back which makes them good listeners and incapable of sarcasm (two important features in new friends). Once you have become good friends with some of these (your kitchen table, the door to your room, a pleasant lampshade, ect...) then you may graduate to trying to make friends with vegetation. Under no circumstances should you try to make human friends.
3. Slay demons to kill time
Slaying demons is an excellent way to kill time, and alternatively, yourself. It is an (extremely) dangerous but (somewhat) rewarding pastime. The easiest way to begin is by joining a local mob and storming a demon worshiper's sanctuary. This usually results in an epic battle in which most people are killed. Do not forget to bring your pitchfork or torch. Though these items are actually completely useless against demons, they are traditional for demon slaying mobs to carry.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Why dolphins might take over the internet
You should be afraid. We should all start getting concerned. I'm breaking my vow of blog silence today to tell everyone about the looming threat that hangs over our heads like a terrible black cat being suspended by piano wire. Were-Dolphins will take over the internet. It could happen today. It could happen tomorrow. But FOR GOD SAKES, we have to be prepared! Here is a helpful Were-Dolphin survival guide I have compiled.
Ways to tell if a Were-dolphin has taken over a website:
1. If your favorite website starts including a lot of information on tuna, or beach balls, things that dolphins like.
2. If a website starts having a lot of spelling errors, this should tip you off. Dolphins don't have fingers, so they cant type well.
3. If you find that your favorite website starts advertising Sea-World, or maybe visiting the beach more. FOR GOD SAKES, don't let them trick you! The dolphins are just trying to get you to visit these near water locations so they can MURDER YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
Things to do to prepare for the eventual Were-Dolphin uprising:
1. Buy a gun.
2. Buy a bigger gun.
3. Pollute the ocean as much as possible.
4. Shoot your gun into the ocean as often as possible.
Please FOR GOD SAKES, do all of these things. We don't have long befoifre tuna ddodk
Hueyd Guiuys Letds All Goo TO THE BEEEACH
Ways to tell if a Were-dolphin has taken over a website:
1. If your favorite website starts including a lot of information on tuna, or beach balls, things that dolphins like.
2. If a website starts having a lot of spelling errors, this should tip you off. Dolphins don't have fingers, so they cant type well.
3. If you find that your favorite website starts advertising Sea-World, or maybe visiting the beach more. FOR GOD SAKES, don't let them trick you! The dolphins are just trying to get you to visit these near water locations so they can MURDER YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
Things to do to prepare for the eventual Were-Dolphin uprising:
1. Buy a gun.
2. Buy a bigger gun.
3. Pollute the ocean as much as possible.
4. Shoot your gun into the ocean as often as possible.
Please FOR GOD SAKES, do all of these things. We don't have long befoifre tuna ddodk
Hueyd Guiuys Letds All Goo TO THE BEEEACH
Monday, April 19, 2010
A typical study session
Today is not the first day of study break but it is the first day that I have decided to study. My process is a convoluted and nuanced one that cannot be explained without special insight. Luckily, I am possibly the foremost expert on myself and can help explain how it work to you, the common pleb whom girls do not like.
Step 1. Find textbooks
Being as how I am not a demon or a were-animal, I keep my dwelling in a state of utter disarray. This creates nearly five times as many places to hide and gives me a strategic advantage in the case that said monsters attack while it is dark. Anyway, the one drawback to this method of survival is that small items are incredibly hard to find. This is especially true of textbooks that were bought in September and then dropped to the floor, still shrink-wrapped. The first step is to locate these, as studying is impossible to do without books. Lecture notes would also be useful but I use most of them to pad out my coat in the winter to prevent freezing to death, so to me, these are unreliable.
Step 2. Forage for food
Everyone knows that eating is required for survival. The next step is to find enough nourishment to break even with the energy about to be consumed using my very evolved brain. Hunting for food usually results in something along the lines of two toasted bagels, three apples, a five-pound ham, two litres of orange juice, a smoked fish and a half-litre bottle of sweet dandelion wine.
Step 3. Ritual dance
Obviously, at this point it is necessary to give thanks to the primal gods and goddesses of the kingdom. I usually employ the traditional kubi-kubi dance to gain their favour. This helps focus my spirit, gains the sacred power required to study and, as a side effect, makes me hungry enough to finish the foraged food.
Step 4. Begin studying
I usually do this by losing interest in the books altogether. Often, I take this opportunity to nap, be distracted by the internet or drink dandelion wine until I am blind.
Step 5. Study break
Everyone needs to take a break from working hard ever once and a while. I find that this is a good time to update my blog or do something even more trivial and pointless. The idea is to relax your brain and not to think anything intelligent.
Step 6. Study more
Repeat "Step 4."
Step 7. Sleep
Falling asleep is easy after working so hard. I am now sure to get a good mark on my final. Hopefully this guide has given you a good idea of how I study. It is a proven method that works in some cases.
Step 1. Find textbooks
Being as how I am not a demon or a were-animal, I keep my dwelling in a state of utter disarray. This creates nearly five times as many places to hide and gives me a strategic advantage in the case that said monsters attack while it is dark. Anyway, the one drawback to this method of survival is that small items are incredibly hard to find. This is especially true of textbooks that were bought in September and then dropped to the floor, still shrink-wrapped. The first step is to locate these, as studying is impossible to do without books. Lecture notes would also be useful but I use most of them to pad out my coat in the winter to prevent freezing to death, so to me, these are unreliable.
Step 2. Forage for food
Everyone knows that eating is required for survival. The next step is to find enough nourishment to break even with the energy about to be consumed using my very evolved brain. Hunting for food usually results in something along the lines of two toasted bagels, three apples, a five-pound ham, two litres of orange juice, a smoked fish and a half-litre bottle of sweet dandelion wine.
Step 3. Ritual dance
Obviously, at this point it is necessary to give thanks to the primal gods and goddesses of the kingdom. I usually employ the traditional kubi-kubi dance to gain their favour. This helps focus my spirit, gains the sacred power required to study and, as a side effect, makes me hungry enough to finish the foraged food.
Step 4. Begin studying
I usually do this by losing interest in the books altogether. Often, I take this opportunity to nap, be distracted by the internet or drink dandelion wine until I am blind.
Step 5. Study break
Everyone needs to take a break from working hard ever once and a while. I find that this is a good time to update my blog or do something even more trivial and pointless. The idea is to relax your brain and not to think anything intelligent.
Step 6. Study more
Repeat "Step 4."
Step 7. Sleep
Falling asleep is easy after working so hard. I am now sure to get a good mark on my final. Hopefully this guide has given you a good idea of how I study. It is a proven method that works in some cases.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Selections from the google chats of KY and ps
On springing ahead
Me: Hello?
KY: hi
h8 time chang
e
fukk
Me: I know
Time is a slut
KY: so not tired
lets just get rid of time
live in 4th dimension
everything all the
time?
On blogging and friendship
Me: You should post something on the blog if you have time
KY: i knowww
im such a slu
t
Me: its okay
I'll still be your friend
On going to bed
KY: i gtg
Me: kk
KY: past my bed time
Me: kk
KY: moms gonna be pissed
LEGIT
night
(k)
KY is now offline.
Me: Hello?
KY: hi
h8 time chang
e
fukk
Me: I know
Time is a slut
KY: so not tired
lets just get rid of time
live in 4th dimension
everything all the
time?
On blogging and friendship
Me: You should post something on the blog if you have time
KY: i knowww
im such a slu
t
Me: its okay
I'll still be your friend
On going to bed
KY: i gtg
Me: kk
KY: past my bed time
Me: kk
KY: moms gonna be pissed
LEGIT
night
(k)
KY is now offline.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Ways to tell if your friends are demons
Demons are all around us, hiding in petunia vases and under throw rugs. You must always be on guard just in case one of them tries to steal your soul, in order to damn you to the lowest circle of hell, or your hair (it is a well known fact that all demons love to eat hair). However, truly clever demons know that hiding in petunia vases will only get them so far. These demons will attempt to become your friend in order to gain your trust. Here are some tips for how to tell if your friends are demons.
1. People who don't like giraffes
Demons do not like giraffes. This is a proven fact though no one actually knows why. Personally, I choose to believe that they are jealous of creatures with long necks as demons themselves have very short, stubby necks.
2. Were-Animal extremists
Were-Animals are extremely dangerous but there are many who believe them to be useful to society. These people are clearly trying to introduce a blight unto humanity and therefore must be demons.
3. People who blink a lot
Demons are made up of 5% water, 50% sulfur, 33% gasoline, 1% gold and 12% pure rage. This controversially adds up to 101%, but demons are also well known for being poor at math. Anyway, as they have little water in their bodies, demons are forced to blink far more often than humans.
4. People with red eyes in photos
Technology has developed to the point where a demon can be revealed by a colour photograph. If a person has red eyes in a photo, they are a demon. The red eye is caused by the reflection of light off of their anti-soul.
5. People who like to go out in the sun
Any sensible and intelligent person knows that traveling during daylight, when the sun is out in full force, is foolish. Demons, however, are not harmed by the sun's deadly rays. This is why you should never trust anyone that is tanned. They are probably a demon.
6. People named Stanley
Everyone I've ever met whose name was Stanley has turned out to be a demon.
7. Firefighters
Only a demon would be drawn to fire in the way that firefighters are. Also, they steal your girlfriend so they must be evil.
8. Girls who say they like you
Girls don't like you. Any girl that says she does must be a demon. Don't trust them.
Good luck out there.
1. People who don't like giraffes
Demons do not like giraffes. This is a proven fact though no one actually knows why. Personally, I choose to believe that they are jealous of creatures with long necks as demons themselves have very short, stubby necks.
2. Were-Animal extremists
Were-Animals are extremely dangerous but there are many who believe them to be useful to society. These people are clearly trying to introduce a blight unto humanity and therefore must be demons.
3. People who blink a lot
Demons are made up of 5% water, 50% sulfur, 33% gasoline, 1% gold and 12% pure rage. This controversially adds up to 101%, but demons are also well known for being poor at math. Anyway, as they have little water in their bodies, demons are forced to blink far more often than humans.
4. People with red eyes in photos
Technology has developed to the point where a demon can be revealed by a colour photograph. If a person has red eyes in a photo, they are a demon. The red eye is caused by the reflection of light off of their anti-soul.
5. People who like to go out in the sun
Any sensible and intelligent person knows that traveling during daylight, when the sun is out in full force, is foolish. Demons, however, are not harmed by the sun's deadly rays. This is why you should never trust anyone that is tanned. They are probably a demon.
6. People named Stanley
Everyone I've ever met whose name was Stanley has turned out to be a demon.
7. Firefighters
Only a demon would be drawn to fire in the way that firefighters are. Also, they steal your girlfriend so they must be evil.
8. Girls who say they like you
Girls don't like you. Any girl that says she does must be a demon. Don't trust them.
Good luck out there.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Werebears and their ilk
Enclosed is a list of were-animal descriptions ranging from least dangerous to most dangerous. Against my better judgement, the were-giraffe is omitted. Though extremely dangerous in one-on-one combat, they are so rare that the International Were-Animal Association does not classify them as a threat to the survival of humanity.
10. Were-whale
The most common variety of were-whale is the Physeter macrocephalus, known commonly as the sperm were-whale. Were-whales are typically quite slow and dull, and not very dangerous to anyone with a healthy fear of the ocean. Every once and a while a swimming child is swallowed whole and digested. Even less often is a swimmer actually bitten and transformed into a were-whale at the next full moon. Most of these bitten swimmers transform for the first time in their beds and consequently die as were-whales, like their non-were counterparts, cannot survive out of water.
9. Werewolves
Currently there are about 157 werewolf enclaves worldwide, making them the most prominent species of were-animal. However, due to a recent explosion of vegetarianism in young werewolves, possibly owing to the similar movement in the vampire community, werewolves are fast becoming extinct. As recently as December 2009, the werewolf elders of the world called an emergency conference to discuss the problem. This conference was held in Abbotsford, British Columbia and subsequently 90% of its population was decimated in a week-long feeding frenzy.
8. Were-possum
Not to be confused with the American were-opossum, the were-possum population is confined to Australia, New Guinea and Sulawesi. They were briefly introduced to New Zealand in 1994, but were almost immediately eradicated due to the efforts of the legendary hunter Zeus Oliman. Oliman was hired to stop the spread of this dangerous breed by New Zealand's King Sullivan XXI, who was assassinated nine months later by pro-were-animal extremists. Since then, democracy has been declared and the land is were-possum free.
7. Were-snake
In almost all cases, the were-snake is an augmented cobra and its bite is deadly and toxic. This makes it a deadly foe, but at the same time poses the question of how its population can spread and how it came into being in the first place. Many experts consider the were-snake to be the invention of a rogue geneticist, but as no were-snake has ever been captured alive, this is impossible to verify.
6. Were-rat
Only 90 years have passed since the were-rat was the most common and dangerous predator on earth. It is a little known fact that the 100 years war was fought between two rival factions of were-rats, not, as many believe, two french royal houses. In recent years, many were-rats have reformed for past sins. In the posh areas of many cities in North America, Europe and Asia, it is common to see were-rat rehabilitation clinics.
5. Were-dolphin
Admittedly, were-dolphins are some of the most clever and evil creatures on the planet. However, they share many of the same problems as were-whales and most die on land without ever getting to terrorize innocent, masculine, girlfriend-stealing surfers.
4. Werebear
The werebear is a dangerous creature with little history worth mentioning. Anyone that tells you otherwise is probably a werebear historian and therefore cannot be trusted. Do not approach under and circumstances. This goes for werebears as well as specialized historians.
3. Were-slug
The were-slug is the most commonly underestimated form of were-animal. They resemble a normal slug in every way except for their augmented movement abilities and the razor sharp spines hidden under their optical tentacles. Landspeed for a were-slug has been clocked as up to 50mph, which is about the same as a grown Siberian Tiger.
2. Were-fly
The were-fly is common only to Winnipeg, Manitoba but summertime deaths due to were-flies have sometimes numbered in the thousands. Like the werebear, the were-fly has an uneventful history, but it is worth noting that a population explosion of were-flies would lead to human extinction in less than two years.
1. Were-man
In this writer's opinion, the were-man is the most dangerous form of were-animal. They hide in plain sight better than any were-animal and can devour whole animals in less time than it takes you to eat a Christmas feast. Interestingly, actor David Naughton is the only man to have ever admitted to being a were-man. The IWA keeps close tabs on all suspects but the lists grow longer with every full moon. It is now estimated that Were-man population might be in the hundreds of thousands worldwide but this data is unverifiable.
10. Were-whale
The most common variety of were-whale is the Physeter macrocephalus, known commonly as the sperm were-whale. Were-whales are typically quite slow and dull, and not very dangerous to anyone with a healthy fear of the ocean. Every once and a while a swimming child is swallowed whole and digested. Even less often is a swimmer actually bitten and transformed into a were-whale at the next full moon. Most of these bitten swimmers transform for the first time in their beds and consequently die as were-whales, like their non-were counterparts, cannot survive out of water.
9. Werewolves
Currently there are about 157 werewolf enclaves worldwide, making them the most prominent species of were-animal. However, due to a recent explosion of vegetarianism in young werewolves, possibly owing to the similar movement in the vampire community, werewolves are fast becoming extinct. As recently as December 2009, the werewolf elders of the world called an emergency conference to discuss the problem. This conference was held in Abbotsford, British Columbia and subsequently 90% of its population was decimated in a week-long feeding frenzy.
8. Were-possum
Not to be confused with the American were-opossum, the were-possum population is confined to Australia, New Guinea and Sulawesi. They were briefly introduced to New Zealand in 1994, but were almost immediately eradicated due to the efforts of the legendary hunter Zeus Oliman. Oliman was hired to stop the spread of this dangerous breed by New Zealand's King Sullivan XXI, who was assassinated nine months later by pro-were-animal extremists. Since then, democracy has been declared and the land is were-possum free.
7. Were-snake
In almost all cases, the were-snake is an augmented cobra and its bite is deadly and toxic. This makes it a deadly foe, but at the same time poses the question of how its population can spread and how it came into being in the first place. Many experts consider the were-snake to be the invention of a rogue geneticist, but as no were-snake has ever been captured alive, this is impossible to verify.
6. Were-rat
Only 90 years have passed since the were-rat was the most common and dangerous predator on earth. It is a little known fact that the 100 years war was fought between two rival factions of were-rats, not, as many believe, two french royal houses. In recent years, many were-rats have reformed for past sins. In the posh areas of many cities in North America, Europe and Asia, it is common to see were-rat rehabilitation clinics.
5. Were-dolphin
Admittedly, were-dolphins are some of the most clever and evil creatures on the planet. However, they share many of the same problems as were-whales and most die on land without ever getting to terrorize innocent, masculine, girlfriend-stealing surfers.
4. Werebear
The werebear is a dangerous creature with little history worth mentioning. Anyone that tells you otherwise is probably a werebear historian and therefore cannot be trusted. Do not approach under and circumstances. This goes for werebears as well as specialized historians.
3. Were-slug
The were-slug is the most commonly underestimated form of were-animal. They resemble a normal slug in every way except for their augmented movement abilities and the razor sharp spines hidden under their optical tentacles. Landspeed for a were-slug has been clocked as up to 50mph, which is about the same as a grown Siberian Tiger.
2. Were-fly
The were-fly is common only to Winnipeg, Manitoba but summertime deaths due to were-flies have sometimes numbered in the thousands. Like the werebear, the were-fly has an uneventful history, but it is worth noting that a population explosion of were-flies would lead to human extinction in less than two years.
1. Were-man
In this writer's opinion, the were-man is the most dangerous form of were-animal. They hide in plain sight better than any were-animal and can devour whole animals in less time than it takes you to eat a Christmas feast. Interestingly, actor David Naughton is the only man to have ever admitted to being a were-man. The IWA keeps close tabs on all suspects but the lists grow longer with every full moon. It is now estimated that Were-man population might be in the hundreds of thousands worldwide but this data is unverifiable.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Meeting Xolotl
Today, as I was walking home from school (something I often do because I am a good student who never skips all but one of his classes) I met Xolotl, thunder god of the Aztecs. He was wearing a shirt with a rib cage on it, so I asked him if it was an x-ray shirt. He seemed confused by this but I assume that is just because they didn't have x-rays back when the Aztecs were around. I'm not a fool though, so I asked him a trick question to make sure that he really was Xolotl, God of Thunder.
"Okay Xolotl," I said coyly, "I'm ready to go to the underworld now, so I guess you will be guiding my soul." Like I said, I'm not a fool. I knew that if he replied yes, then he couldn't possibly be Xolotl because Xolotl does not guide souls to the underworld.
"What?" He replied, affirming my faith in the fact that he really was Xolotl, "I don't want your soul. What the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm not talking about hell. I'm talking about the Aztecean Underworld. But I can see that you really are Xolotl, so I guess I've got bad luck now." Xolotl must have been on some kind of secret mission for his mother, Coatlicue, because he wouldn't admit that his name was Xolotl. He assured me that his name was Stanley and that I was acting crazy; this being a good way to ensure that his mission would go unhindered.
I winked at him and he was on his way. Luckily he was not large and masculine like a firefighter so I don't think I'll have to worry about finding a new girlfriend. Yay
"Okay Xolotl," I said coyly, "I'm ready to go to the underworld now, so I guess you will be guiding my soul." Like I said, I'm not a fool. I knew that if he replied yes, then he couldn't possibly be Xolotl because Xolotl does not guide souls to the underworld.
"What?" He replied, affirming my faith in the fact that he really was Xolotl, "I don't want your soul. What the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm not talking about hell. I'm talking about the Aztecean Underworld. But I can see that you really are Xolotl, so I guess I've got bad luck now." Xolotl must have been on some kind of secret mission for his mother, Coatlicue, because he wouldn't admit that his name was Xolotl. He assured me that his name was Stanley and that I was acting crazy; this being a good way to ensure that his mission would go unhindered.
I winked at him and he was on his way. Luckily he was not large and masculine like a firefighter so I don't think I'll have to worry about finding a new girlfriend. Yay
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Reasons For Wanting A Giraffe
To any sane person, it must seem obvious that the giraffe is probably the most superior of all land-based beasts (mythical or otherwise). However, I would like to take the opportunity to point out the benefits of having a giraffe in one's life. I feel this exercise will enlighten the common plebs that litter our land, as well as reaffirming the beliefs of those who already subscribe to the Church of the Great Giraffe in the Sky.
1. Never have to prune trees ever again.
The Giraffe's diet consists of twigs. Since pruning is a tiresome and lengthy process, a pet giraffe would be the ideal solution to the complex problem of overgrowth.
2. Never need a ladder again.
Breaking and entering can be a difficult thing to do. With a giraffe, you would no longer require a ladder. Instead, your pet could just grab you by the scruff of your neck and drop you on any rooftop you choose. It's a flawless plan, I can assure you.
3. Good for people who like kitty-cats.
I like kitty-cats a lot. However, they have a tendency to get stuck in trees and then big, masculine firefighters have to be called over to rescue them. This makes you look like a loser and gives the firefighters a chance to hit on your girlfriend. A giraffe would complete the task much faster and you wouldn't have to go out after to cruise singles bars for a new girlfriend.
4. Cruising singles bars for a new girlfriend.
A giraffe would also be useful in this situation because it could find all of the lonely girls dancing alone in the crowd for you. However, as girls don't like you, this probably won't make a difference.
1. Never have to prune trees ever again.
The Giraffe's diet consists of twigs. Since pruning is a tiresome and lengthy process, a pet giraffe would be the ideal solution to the complex problem of overgrowth.
2. Never need a ladder again.
Breaking and entering can be a difficult thing to do. With a giraffe, you would no longer require a ladder. Instead, your pet could just grab you by the scruff of your neck and drop you on any rooftop you choose. It's a flawless plan, I can assure you.
3. Good for people who like kitty-cats.
I like kitty-cats a lot. However, they have a tendency to get stuck in trees and then big, masculine firefighters have to be called over to rescue them. This makes you look like a loser and gives the firefighters a chance to hit on your girlfriend. A giraffe would complete the task much faster and you wouldn't have to go out after to cruise singles bars for a new girlfriend.
4. Cruising singles bars for a new girlfriend.
A giraffe would also be useful in this situation because it could find all of the lonely girls dancing alone in the crowd for you. However, as girls don't like you, this probably won't make a difference.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Rain
Science tells us something about reactions being equal and opposite. This rings false to me, as I have quite often seen people to have the exact same reaction to the danger of clowns. For example, once I saw a clown at the mall and I screamed. All of the people around me screamed too so I dropped the plague rat that I was holding and ran as fast as I could. Everyone else seemed to agree that the clown might be a psychotic ax murderer because they all ran away too. Also, I could run faster than the little children that I was pushing out of my way. This doesn't seem all that equal to me. Their legs and mine were not equal lengths so I don't see how their reaction could be as strong as mine.
Anyway, assuming science is always true (something that I always try to do regardless of how I feel about it), then I wonder about rain. Sometimes when it rains I wonder if perhaps there is an opposite rain somewhere in the middle of the ocean. I don't see how else to explain it. Water must rain up sometimes and the only place it could come from is the ocean. This makes me worry about the fish. If their homes are raining upwards, then do they go with it? But then they don't rain down on the land, so is there some sort of fishnet in the sky to catch them?
I worry about fish a lot.
Anyway, assuming science is always true (something that I always try to do regardless of how I feel about it), then I wonder about rain. Sometimes when it rains I wonder if perhaps there is an opposite rain somewhere in the middle of the ocean. I don't see how else to explain it. Water must rain up sometimes and the only place it could come from is the ocean. This makes me worry about the fish. If their homes are raining upwards, then do they go with it? But then they don't rain down on the land, so is there some sort of fishnet in the sky to catch them?
I worry about fish a lot.
Why can't my dog talk?
Dogs!
They've been mans best friend for how long now? Years!
Yet, all the while, they remain silent. What is it that keeps them from communicating to us in spoken language? Perhaps they are too awkward?*
From all that touching and picking up of the poop. I would probably be a little embarrassed me-self. I remember one time a girl tried to kiss me and I said no. Didn't talk to her for months! No girl has ever tried to pick up my poop, I imagine that would be worse.
Maybe its because dogs just have nothing interesting to say, like me. You probably got bored after the first sentence. "Oh great," you said, "another internet guy trying to tell me he's sad because no one will pick up his poop." But maybe dogs are like you! They would rather be quiet and dignified than loud mouthed and blogging.
Unfortunately, its most definitely not any of these things. Its more likely that they don't talk because they don't like you just like everyone else in the world doesn't like you.
Nobody likes you.
*If I had someone to tickle me like the dogs the above video, I would probably not talk to them.
They've been mans best friend for how long now? Years!
Yet, all the while, they remain silent. What is it that keeps them from communicating to us in spoken language? Perhaps they are too awkward?*
From all that touching and picking up of the poop. I would probably be a little embarrassed me-self. I remember one time a girl tried to kiss me and I said no. Didn't talk to her for months! No girl has ever tried to pick up my poop, I imagine that would be worse.
Maybe its because dogs just have nothing interesting to say, like me. You probably got bored after the first sentence. "Oh great," you said, "another internet guy trying to tell me he's sad because no one will pick up his poop." But maybe dogs are like you! They would rather be quiet and dignified than loud mouthed and blogging.
Unfortunately, its most definitely not any of these things. Its more likely that they don't talk because they don't like you just like everyone else in the world doesn't like you.
Nobody likes you.
*If I had someone to tickle me like the dogs the above video, I would probably not talk to them.
2 Best Friends
From: KY
Date: Thursday, March 25, 4:53am
To: ps
Subject: Wake up
Are you awake yet?
From: KY
Date: Thursday, March 25, 7:01am
To: ps
Subject: Wake up
Wake up
From: ps
Date: Thursday, March 25, 10:26am
To: KY
Subject: re: Wake up
Jesus. I'm awake. What do you want...?
From: KY
Date: Thursday, March 25, 10:28am
To: ps
Subject: re: re: Wake up
hi phil. i invited u to our new blog. (via gmails)
were starting a blog dint u know that?
k thanks. ♥
From: ps
Date: Thursday, March 25, 11:14am
To: KY
Subject: re: re: re: Wake up
Oh. Okay. Cool. What are we going to blog about? Music? Is this a music blog? I just got the tUnE-yArDs album. Its pretty good. Do you want me to review it? I was going to write about it in the student paper, but this could work too.
From: KY
Date: Thursday, March 25, 11:24am
To: ps
Subject: re: re: re: re: Wake up
shet up. attached is a list of blogtopix.
! that time we climbed on top of that building and u ripped ur pants
2 the time we got lost in the forest near campus an had to call the rcmp to find us
3namedrop someone famous. make up something about meeting Feist
4 tell every1 how I can eat 2 bananas in one bite
5 blog abt a giraffe i like them alot
kkkkkk
From: ps
Date: Thursday, March 25, 12:03pm
To: KY
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: Wake up
I have actually met Feist...
From: KY
Date: Thursday, March 25, 12:12pm
To: ps
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re Wake up
shet up.
Date: Thursday, March 25, 4:53am
To: ps
Subject: Wake up
Are you awake yet?
From: KY
Date: Thursday, March 25, 7:01am
To: ps
Subject: Wake up
Wake up
From: ps
Date: Thursday, March 25, 10:26am
To: KY
Subject: re: Wake up
Jesus. I'm awake. What do you want...?
From: KY
Date: Thursday, March 25, 10:28am
To: ps
Subject: re: re: Wake up
hi phil. i invited u to our new blog. (via gmails)
were starting a blog dint u know that?
k thanks. ♥
From: ps
Date: Thursday, March 25, 11:14am
To: KY
Subject: re: re: re: Wake up
Oh. Okay. Cool. What are we going to blog about? Music? Is this a music blog? I just got the tUnE-yArDs album. Its pretty good. Do you want me to review it? I was going to write about it in the student paper, but this could work too.
From: KY
Date: Thursday, March 25, 11:24am
To: ps
Subject: re: re: re: re: Wake up
shet up. attached is a list of blogtopix.
! that time we climbed on top of that building and u ripped ur pants
2 the time we got lost in the forest near campus an had to call the rcmp to find us
3namedrop someone famous. make up something about meeting Feist
4 tell every1 how I can eat 2 bananas in one bite
5 blog abt a giraffe i like them alot
kkkkkk
From: ps
Date: Thursday, March 25, 12:03pm
To: KY
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: Wake up
I have actually met Feist...
From: KY
Date: Thursday, March 25, 12:12pm
To: ps
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re Wake up
shet up.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
good morning
Hello. This is a blog called girls and sadness. I hope you like it.
Although the title implies that the blog will be abt emotions and things with vagina's, in fact, there's much more to it than that. (Although alot of it will be abt that)
Come along with me as we explore such exciting topics as:
-Why your dogs cant talk
-Why no one likes you
-Why girls don't like you
-Why you are sad
-Were-bears and their ilk
-What kind of food I ate today and why I thought there were spiders in it
-Websites
Thanks for reading, please find me a job.
Although the title implies that the blog will be abt emotions and things with vagina's, in fact, there's much more to it than that. (Although alot of it will be abt that)
Come along with me as we explore such exciting topics as:
-Why your dogs cant talk
-Why no one likes you
-Why girls don't like you
-Why you are sad
-Were-bears and their ilk
-What kind of food I ate today and why I thought there were spiders in it
-Websites
Thanks for reading, please find me a job.
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